it's always a little sad when something ends.

姑婆 passed away Friday. She died in her sleep, which is honestly the best way to go for old people. No suffering, no pain, just silently sleep away.

I don't have many fond memories of her. You know how people say kids always have a certain way of knowing they are not liked. Well, let's just say I never felt really comfortable under her scrutiny.

Still, I'm glad there was no pain for her. She was a fussy old lady but circumstances made her that way.

The wake is more like a gathering for my mom, aunt and their then neighbours though. They even go around taking photographs. I mean she did live a long good life. So it really was one of those celebrate her life funerals rather than those sudden sad ones.

Is that what lies ahead of me 30 years later? Friends only gathering because someone has died. Typical Singaporean Chinese future?

But I guess when it happens, it happens.

Be happy.

I've always believe in positive thinking. Or rather, I tend to not want to dwell on unhappy memories. While I learn lessons, what is the point of moping about it all?

But do I then lack reflection and review? As I block out the unhappiness do I actually miss out on learning?


When WSX passed, a teacher told me that such events, we go through to learn, and in this case learn to treasure my friends. And I remember sobbing saying "I'd rather not learn these lessons." Which she agreed.

I have this sinking feeling that you'll never know true happiness because you never know true sadness. Which means I'm missing out on a lot. I've blocked off a lot of unhappiness in my life, because I'm practical. Dwelling on the unhappy just isn't rational. Why should you care when others don't?

A cost benefit analysis. True happiness is not worth true unhappiness.

I think my mind has concluded that being numb and moderately happy is better than knowing true (un)happiness.

Thank you.

I've had a great Birthday weekend and a few more celebrations to come this week.

But as my family gathered round for a simple birthday song, a sponge cake with one candle, it felt really good.

I'm thankful my family is still in good health to celebrate my birthday with me.

And really this is all that I need. :)