my acceptance letter has been tickling me the whole evening.

'...extraordinary acedemic results...'

YEAH RIGHT!

but nvm, they accepted me. they can say anything they damn well please.

anyways, to my dear sweet friends who are worried cause idiots like me has recieved acceptance letters and you haven't, fret not. appearantly they come in batches. or smth. i mean my results are like crap, if i got in, it's smooth sailing for everybody else. =)

bought a couple of cool cds. esp this 3disc compilations of reall old songs. i love it.

i got into nus. TAKE THAT LITTLE EVIL VOICE IN MY HEAD.

of course it's a killjoy when the first thing my mum says to me is 'this normal( ergo, lousy) course you want meh?, why not something better like accounting?'

okay, did you like totally forget my lousy results or not hear me when i plainly said 'i want to get into nusfass and study political science?'

thanks for being supportive.

so there i was, 430pm today doing my final theory test. happily i finished all 50 questions and checked all 50. with crossed fingers, i clicked 'end test' then 'yes' and then waited with bated breathe...

and nothing happened.

the big 'PASSED' or 'FAILED' didn't appear. instead, it seemed my computer had fucking hanged.

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so i called the malay testor guy for help. after realising what happened, he used his main central computer to do something to my test and arranged it to another computor. but being the main central computer, he could tell me whether i passed or failed. appearantly i failed.
sniff.
so unhappily i trottd downstairs to book the next available test date which was on the 9th May, so far away. just as i clicked 'confirmed' the testor guy came rushing down and asked me to 'CANCEL!! CANCEL!!!' so i just cancelled!! and rushed after him, stopping by the dustbin i had thrown my testing slip which had my password in and snatched it from the bin. (thank god it was on top (x ) hahs. so anyway we went back up and to one of the testing computors. he had resumed my test, and asked me to click 'end test' again.

i fucking passed can.

appearantly the damn computer which hanged didn't record that i had done question 50. so it assumed i had 5 wrongs and one unanswered. which meant fail. but i had!! and i was right!! so i actually had only 5 wrongs. meaning i passed.

bleah. so terrifying can.

trip to the zoo. wee. hahs. only a few of us turned up. but nontheleast it was still fun. x) seeing all the animals and walking around like kids. hehs.

after that minus sweehin we went to amk to meet some others for dinner.

taken by julia's little brother who appearantly being groomed by julia to be a photographer too. x)

wee.

*grabs random voodoo dolll

poke poke POKE.

sees random weird stranger outside doubling over in pain.

*chuckles.

tmr is my FTT. i have not studied.

why do i take failure so badly?

because the saying, "the higher you climb, the harder you fall." is pretty damn true.

it's worse when you never had to climb. all my life, i was the smarter one. the one who didn't study and still had better grades. the one who played her whole life and never really had any setbacks. the one where things came to her in maybe not a silver spoon, but it wasn't wooden either.

so the expectation builds. it builds and builds, so high up there. one day you just realise, it's just too high. you can never reach it. and i'm not talking about the expectations of others, of parents or relatives, but of my own. i placed myself on a pedestal. but it's just a cloud of empty air.

so when everything crashes and i sit there in the wreckage. i'm dazed and clinging to anything. anything to keep from drowning in my own disappointment.

it's a rude shock and a sharp stab to my pride.

i'm arrogant. i just no longer have anything to give me that right.

so now i have to grovel. and i hate it. but it's what i have.

all i ask is to let me lick my wounds in peace.

if you're not going to help me, at least let me be. there's only so much i can take.

i'm grovelling.

this blog entry is dedicated to the great sleeper xiaojun and is identical to that in jia's blog.
yes. xiaojun. YOU! made me get a half-face tan! that's the result of 15 minutes of aimless waiting under the scorching morning sun that should be made illegal in JE MRT! yep. we were supposed to go ECP with you. AND it's 10:45 and you haven't called???????? huh????????? so. we have to finish the entire pandan cake by ourselves. fine. no neoprints whatsoever. Neeways, we went to the airport instead. you don't know what you missed, woman. really. you had better call withing 15 minutes on seeing this entry or else.......

i hate stumbling along, with no real purpose.
i hate being so dependent.
i hate your accusing eyes, filled with disgust.
i hate waiting.
i hate not knowing.
i hate the distrust.
i hate the invasion of privacy.
i hate the lack of ability to create.
i hate the lack of self control.
i hate the jeers and
i hate the sneers.
i hate not being good enough.
i hate not even being almost there.
i hate that i can't speak.
i hate.

the voice gets louder. more insistent. my fear overwhelms me.

somebody save me.

do people ever stop hating themselves?

i still hate myself. i've been hating myself for as long as i can remember.

or maybe i hate the people who screw my life as easily as they breathe.

i don't know. this teenage angst thing. i'm alost not a teenager anymore. but the angst. THAT DAMN ANGST WON'T GO AWAY.

this is just nonsense.

i hate that little evil voice which resides at the back of my head and comes out whenever i'm not thinking about something.

mind you, the way my mind jumps from things to things, that's not a lot of time. but it's enough to drive me crazy.

i really hate this. this feeling of helplessness and regret.

seriously.

i have werid little quirks and many many secrets. don't expect to know everything about me. please. why am i so screwed up? who isn't screwed up in some way or another. our piorities are different. deal. don't fucking come and pester me. i've got better things to do with my time. like sleep.

people have to start dealing with things. it really isn't that hard.

seriously.

urgh. i hate it when my schedules clash.

i took up another tuitioning job. a sec2 english girl. weird. all my tuitees don't really need tuitioning. they're all pretty smart. parents these days are mad. why force your kids to have tuition when they're managing perfectly fine on their own. well, i get paid doing an esay job, it's not my place to complain.

today was a wreck. had 3 tuitions consecutively. 1030-1230 2-330 4-6. then i had to rush down to bugis to meet a bunch of the 04S10B people. from now own my sats are gonna be this horrible. but it does mean i'm pretty free for the rest of the week. i've really nothing to complain about.

meeting with the 10B people was really cool. all of us are still the same old same old. we ate at this cafe which moves at a ridiculously slow pace. it was so frustrating. goodness. it's not like the cafe is really big, so 3 waiters should be enough even if it was a full house. spent most of our time waiting rather than actually eating. =X went to the esplande and walked to the merlion as we took pictures and made an improtu call to ms peh. hehs. very amusing. it really is fun haning out with the jc friends. although they may not be close as confidantes, they are the bunch of friends to hang out and just have fun. =)

anyways, we made plans to go to the zoo next sunday. very cool. ms peh should be joining us too. hahs. and friday jia ad i'll be trotting down all the way to east coast to chill so that only leaves botanical gardens. which is still under construction. meeh.

it's odd that although tutioning and driving dont really take up much of my time...i never have time to do half the things i plan to do.

i'm bumming around, doing nothing of real importance, yet i still dont have enough time.

anyone wanna join me for a bike ride?

appearantly i'm a pretty damn good driver with zero concept of safety. x)

i am deeply amused. since half the time i'm freaking out about jaywalkers and taxi drivers who are spawn of the devil.

insercurity.

how far does insercurity consumes you? only skin deep? or does it seep through the pores of your skin and slowly wraps around your heart with a death grip? today i watched as the pretty girl in the skimpy clothes clutched her boyfriend's arm a little tighter as another girl in even skimpier clothes strolled past. i watched as the guy with the converse cap steal many looks at the girl sitting in the corner for a full hour until she left, still he sat there. i watched as the lady in heels sat in the cafe all alone, clutching her bag to her chest as she tried to immerse herself in her book, only to appear selfconcious as she looked up every 5 minutes and adjusted her hair constantly.

i was reading the murphy's law book. the author mused that our 'mirror nerves' cause us to act one way alone and another in company, why the public's opinion so greatly affects and the 'monkey see monkey do' syndrom.

i disagree. i believe insercurity cause us to act differently in public. it causes us to take the safe route and just agree with what the majority says even if the majority turns out just to be one person with a dommineering personality and is so dreadfully wrong. it is this insercurity which prevents us from listening to ourselves although 'ourselves' probably has a better track record.

insercurity causes us to be defensive which is frequently misread as hostility. which is why i think singaporeans are seen as unfriendly. say what you want, singapore is still a conservative asian society which perhaps have only taken baby steps to being more liberal. being conservative and so damn occupied with how others see us is how insercurity graps us by the neck. (seriously, everybody is NOT staring at you, they're too busy wondering if you're staring at them)

deep down we're all just fat insercure little girls.

what makes people outstanding is even with insercurity gripping them to the point of insanity, they still go ahead and do what they want to do anyway.

If God had a name
What would it be?
And would you call it to his face
If you were faced with him
In all his glory
What would you ask
If you had just one question?

Yeah yeah God is great
Yeah yeah God is good
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home

If God had a face
What would it look like?
And would you want to see
If seeing meant that you would have to believe
In things like heaven and in Jesus and the saints and all the prophets

And yeah yeah God is great
Yeah yeah God is good
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home

Trying to make his way home
Back up to heaven all alone
Nobody callin' on the phone
'cept for the Pope maybe in Rome


Yeah yeah God is great
Yeah yeah God is good
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home
Just trying to make his way home

Like a holy rollin' stone
Back up to heaven all alone
Just trying to make his way home

Nobody callin' on the phone
'cept for the Pope maybe in Rome...

-What If God Was One Of Us, Joan Osborne

people really have to stop msging or calling me before 10am everyday. damn it! i'm not awake.

i like to sleep in. and wake up only when my body does it on its on.

was supposed to go to the botanic gardens today. ended at...jp. ick. someone bring me to the zoo please.

Reading ‘The Book Thief’. Pretty good book. Confusing, really thick and semi-morbid. But a whole lot of fun to read. I like the grim reaper characterized that way. Detached yet interested, and very very busy. It is after all during world war 2. Little girl growing up in Nazi germany. Interesting time.

Watched Elizabethtown halfway with jia today. With all the bad reviews I expected it to be boring, or not entertaining at all except for the eye candies, orlando bloom and kristen dunst. Turned out to be much better than expected. It was really amusing. Not funny, amusing. We went through the first half completely bemused. I really enjoyed it. Must finish it.

I really really really wanna watch V. But faith is a bitch who toys around and screws my head with such glee, that I can never seem to watch it. It’s set in Britain, dystopia rules the world and Natalie Portman exists. Seriously, what’s not to love?

I’m crawling through the initial d anime at a snail’s pace. It’s just so exhausting to watch one race. Mind you, the whole anime is about racing so… and the drawing, with exception of the pretty cars, is….well, I like my anime pretty and unrealistic. I know the anime is just keeping to the roots of the original manga (which is entertaining and so not pretty). Still it’s really tiring to look at the ‘babes’ who have lips like 2 sausages. I can’t draw for nuts, so I’m not really in the position to comment. But if you give me a choice between initial d manga and something drawn by clamp (even if it’s dumb and childish but oh-so-entertaining like CCS), I’ll chose clamp any day.

Thinking about CCS reminds me of the sakura flavored kitkat I ate with xz. Yes, SAKURA, the flower. Pretty weird. Nice but weird. It tasted like flower tea with milk. But it’s still pretty good and the packaging is pink and pink and brings out the inner girly me. Hahs. Kitkat is going crazy with the new flavors. Anyone tired the lemon cheesecake one? Am so intrigued yet not brave enough to buy it. It’s huge!!! What if it tastes like sneakers? Wait, how would I know what sneakers taste like?

Okay now I’m just screwing with my own brain.

Off the youtube.com to search for funny clips to titter at.

TITTER? Am I like some bird? Or squirrel. Or chipmunk. meeh.

this is so frustrating. i've been wanting to lay my hands on this book "The Perilous Gard" by Elizabeth Marie Pope. but i can't find it anywhere!! even fidz, who is in london can't find it. appearantly it's only available in the states. oh joy.

help anybody?

inner me: Going mainstream no get no respect.
me: it does pay the bills.

i really should stop holding conversations with myself. especially when inner me likes to speak in a fake gangsta accent.