To be rational or stingy?

BAG HEAVEN

So technically I have the money to get one of these babies, but when will I ever be to spend a four figure sum on a bag without feeling like I am cutting off an arm? Never?

I don't even have a three figure sum bag. Which is already blood inducing as it is.

Such is my heart games.

I would love to travel the world with you. Take to the skies and jump off the clouds.

Eat from the streets, drink wine in the evening, the stars of real light up.

We could walk two thousand miles or run across plaza, piazza, all of them.

We would waste time on inconsequential things and forget the important ones.

No one to child us though.

It would be such a dream.

Except, you're not the one.

In many ways I am a lousy friend.

So I've been doing a little thinking and have come to the conclusion that I am a lousy friend and no wonder people don't like me.

Okay, I've had a few epiphanies like this in my life, but whatever, this time it's more than a light bulb.

"ask not what others can give you, but what you can give others"

I will make a conscious effort to be less of a burden, less of a guilt tripper. More of a happy.

Also, the annual project be nice is back again. :):):)

2 times I almost cried.

I am such a sap, but words alone can never express fully how I felt watching Fidz and James exchanging vows and rings. Admittedly the church wedding was way too pious for me. And yes, they have already been married since August. But still, when I look at the way he treats her and how she smiles at him, I don't even have to wish them happiness. Because they definitely look like they have it. :)

In other less matrimonial news, Christmas is coming! And I'm pretty excited because I want to buy my family stuff. Maybe even treat them to a Christmas meal. But we'll see how it goes. Anyhoooo, must pay more visits to M&S for their Christmas goodies...or just for their Jaffa cakes. JAFFA CAKES. Omg, one taste and it was like I was back in the UK.

Back in the UK, at Lancaster in my dorm room. Typing with frozen fingers, my bed just right behind me. My desk full of not-study-items, my closet filled with winter clothes. Sleet pelting my window, heater not really working. Oh bullocks, I miss all of these so much. I never thought it would happen, but eating Jaffa cakes almost made me cry.

I like December.

Flyday Friday once again

I seem to finally be settling down at work. So much so I actually have the time to blog at work now. Or it might just be not a peak period for my branch now. Whatever the reason, I'm glad I'm finally catching up. So much less of those painfully awkward moments now, even if they will never really truly be over. but I can settle for less. Less is more.

Fidz's wedding is on Saturday and I am actually pretty excited for it even if I have been bitching about it for weeks. I think I'm only starting to comprehend what it'll be like to witness her and James exchange vows. I've know the girl since I was 15 and to date my image of her largely sparks from the image of us as 15-16 year olds in our blue factory worker uniforms. Knowing Fidz, it probably won't be very emotional, especially since they've actually been married since August. But still, in my heart I know I am actually a giant sap and Saturday will be a magical day all in it's own way.

Below is my favourite kitty photograph of the moment. It was one of the many noraneko I saw in Japan. But this lazy affectionate sweetheart was actually on a mountain, at the Fushimi Inari Shrine. Oh how nice it would be to lead a kitty's life. I actually think a perfect holiday right now would be,

• awesome possum weather, which in my terms mean cold weather.
• in a city with bright lights and tiny alleys.
• things around my neck would include a scarf and a camera.
• snapping photographs of stray kitties.
• the most awesome of company.

Clearly I need a holiday.

Don't you just miss the yesteryears?

We don't have sand playgrounds in our HDB estates anymore. As much as I dislike sand, I do miss those playgrounds. I remember a lot of digging. Not the most fun of things to do, but there you go, lots of digging.

Kittydom.

Feeling sort of/slightly/minutely/perhaps lonely right now. If only I had a kitty to cuddle up to. Unfortunately all I saw was some hit and run photos of tiny kitties instead. Damnit, the things in facebook. ):

Spent the awesome public holiday with the family, with lots of sleeping and eating and basically being a bed/couch/chair potato. Holidays like that are awesome, especially in this weather. Meowmeow.

I also read up a lot on the history of hip hop feuds. Because it was great fun. And also very interesting that wikipedia was filled with gangsta speak. I shall now cozy up with a good book and a good drink. Yummy yummy yummy.

End of the four year wait.

And today was slightly uncomfortable. Slightly awkward. Slightly lets-avoid-the-elephant-in-the-room. Things have changed, we are not the same. SO much to say and nothing to say at all as well.

But it's ten precious steps forward today. And maybe you couldn't tell, but I haven't felt so happy in a while.

It was so good meeting you, so good talking to you, so good being bitchy, so good getting into trouble, so good, just simply talking to you.

I have missed this so.

Teddy bear crisps, strawberry milk.

And I'm crossing my fingers and toes so hard for tomorrow you have no idea.

One day it will all be too late.

So let's live today and tomorrow. Live in the way of no regrets.

I love my family, more than you will ever know.

I love my friends, more than they will ever know.

I love my life, more than I will ever know.

Use me, abuse me.

Throw me away.

The comfort of it all.

After two and a half weeks of being on course, I don't want to go back to work.

I like being with people my age. There are minimal awkwardness. We do things together. The company is great. The venue is near my house, I wake up about an hour later. Honestly I'm just much happier.

People really matter.

The last three days better pass slowly.

:(

CRY YOUR HEART OUT PLEASE

such is life.

It's filled with challenges and obstacles to take you down. And they will. Today tomorrow, yesterday. We all fall.

Yesterday I went back to my office because on Friday I managed to have 10mins to check my email and found 236 emails waiting for me. Each demanding my full attention and abilities I do not have.

Yesterday I cried. Because I couldn't take it. I couldn't handle the stress and everything everyone was expecting of me.

And and and, after my cry I felt so much better. Suddenly my problems didn't seem so big, practical solutions appeared in my mind. Never mind that many things aren't settled, I am on my path to solving them. You can never finish work, but its always great to get things going.

I've always felt a good cry may not help the problems directly, but it allows me to release my anger, frustration and grief. It clears my mind and I think better. At the very least my thoughts don't gear towards anger so eagerly.

So, at the end of the day, things will get better. They will get worse for sure. But everything will be alright.

everything will be alright.

It's like leaving my baby ALL ALONE

So, I've finally been left to hold the reins alone for a week and I won't lie, it's terribly stressful. But I think so far I'm doing okay. There's just many things to learn and I'm lucky to have so many people to help me. But I really think an area I definitely brush up on is how to handle people and their emotions better. Think on your feet!

Much of the week was spent interacting with my minions as well. They really are nice boys and once I've gotten them to like me and treat me as a friend, they're actually very willing to help me and do my work. But to be very honest, they are so muddle headed sometimes I feel like my eyelids are going onto overdrive with the amount of eye-rolling I have to do. I really think they switch off their brains or are just not very smart. Some of the things they ask me I'm like........right.

So anyway I'll be away on course for 3 weeks and before I left I wrote this shit-ass long email detailing everything they need to do and every step of it. OMG. I can write my on IM. But I'm just so terrified while on course I get phone calls saying my branch is in a mess and my minions have created a big mess. Gaaaah, so worried right now.

And it all comes crashing down.

Spent the afternoon packing up my closet. Cause it was so ridiculously full that it was getting ridiculously hard to reach clothing I want to wear. But don't get me wrong, it's not that I have too many clothes, more like too many CCA/class/camp/FASS tees. Damnit, could have been much richer if over the years I didn't spent so much money buying them. But, even now when I have no use for them, I keep them nicely folded, stacked in their own corner of my closet because I just cannot bring myself to throw them away. No matter how detached I get, they will always mean something very special to me. :)

My emotions have been out of control recently. I go from sudden highs to bouts of depression that reminds me of the time in secondary school. I can hear my favourite song come up on the radio and get immensely happy, but it can all come crashing down in seconds. This has however made me realized the ease at which we can actually be happy if we focus on the good and block out the depressing. Unfortunately for me, while recently I get natural highs quite a bit, my own mind makes me so upset, to the point I'm starting to think the certain thoughts too much and of a certain dearly missed friend.

Mostly I think, its because I'm feeling so lonely. When I'm with friends I'm happy and cheerful and smiling isn't hard. I feel like I belong. But more often than not I find myself realizing I don't mean much, or enough, to anyone at all. Unconditional love and giving my ass. I'm kind of tired of not having anyone to depend on and not having anyone depend on me. Yet the thought of opening up everything about myself to someone is is highly disturbing to me. I am a selfish attention seeking whore, I don't think I'll ever love someone back if the person doesn't love me more.

I'm not even talking about wanting a romantic relationship though. It's just I'm feel so lonely sometimes.

I just wish that there is someone, anyone, who cared.

And of course this brings me to wonder why one earth would anyone bother to care? If for 23 years no one has, clearly the problem is myself. I'm demanding bitchy, unconsciously rude. Sometimes I can be so unaware I offend people without realizing it. It's not like I can't sense it when it becomes obvious people are avoiding me and it's not like I'm not continuously trying to change and improve myself. But it seems like I am so flawed, or so bad at improving that I am the same hard to like person I was ten years back. It's not like I don't try. But much too often, effort is pointless without the obvious results to back them up.

Sometimes I just tell myself, fuck it evelyn, you're going to die a crazy cat lady with no friends, no family, only just a pet cat whom you have an en-strangled relationship with. Accept and deal.

And now, in the spirit of being absolutely depressed, yet having a natural high, here are some songs that put a smile on my face no matter what I was feeling 5 seconds ago.

Today is my mother's birthday! Birthday dinner in a while!

My hands are tied.

For all my bitching about my job and the retarded people I meet because of it, I do actually like my job and enjoy working. But the recent week has shown me the most frustrating thing about my job. I have to help undeserving people cover their asses by incessant nagging, but when there truly comes a case where I really want to help the person, my hands are tied. Tied by the very rules and regulations I have to enforce to help maintain a more equal system. I have of course, long realised there is no such thing as perfect equality, that there will always be subjectivity. But still it hurts to see the deserving be rejected, forgotten, be on the wrong side with lady luck.

If nothing, this job is making me admire the tenacity of the human spirit in spite of the idiots I see as well.

I fall ill in the most dramatic of ways.

Food poisoning has once again paid a visit to my stomach. Gaah, it was so sudden, in the morning I was running around arranging the breast cancer talk and at about 11 my stomach started feeling weird. By lunch time I couldn't even drink water, and on the cab to the doctor's I puked. I pretty much ate nothing so it was all water, still not the greatest feeling.

But luckily it's the weekend, and I may be ill and have to cancel all my appointments but at least I get to do things like become a bona fide couch potato and watch marathons of criminal minds. One excellent thing about working, I can forget everything during the weekend. :)

You mourn what is lost, I, what could have been.

and you will always make my heart flutter in the wind

to bad, perhaps, it's a steel sheet.

but it's sort of nice this feeling,

the wake up call to a thousand what ifs.

Nothing like a good book on a Sunday afternoon.

"It's hard for a man to ask a woman to marry him with an eight-foot wall of stakes and withy between them, especially if he happens to be dead at that time."

One fantastic result of graduating? I have learnt to love reading again. And I know I have a good book, when I forgo sleep and meal times just to finish reading the book in three days. As much as I hate cheesy love lines and romance chick flicks, I seem to see the beauty of them when in prose form.

"I've never thought of it like that," said Christopher. "How could I? If you were any other woman, I could tell you I loved you, easily enough, but not you - because you've always seemed to me like a part of myself, and it would be like saying I loved my own eyes or my own mind. But have you ever thought of what it would be to have to live without your mind or your eyes, Kate? To be mad? Or blind?" His voice shook. "I can't talk about it. That's the way I feel."

Happy smiles all around.

good food

sunshine

ice cream

and best of all,

good company.

makes for the perfect Saturday

:)

I don't mean to.

Today the upper study is out on a visit to XXX, so basically I have nothing much to do and no one to check on me so I end up just surfing the net a lot. they don't block many websites, but oddly they do blog gmail. But apparently you can still access porn. So right okay.

Anyways, point is I am slowly being driven to madness with the boring lack of things to do. And I'm just sitting at my desk hoping for something to happen. The worst thing is that not five steps from my cubicle is the two nsf boys who are having a ball of a time since my upper study is out. they are basically chatting and joking and listening to music AND OMG ALL I REALLY WANT TO DO IS PULL UP A CHAIR AND JOIN THEM.

Only, the moment I step into the room, they go deathly quiet and very politely and stiffly enquire if I need their assistence. HAIYOH. And the fact remains that while I am their supervisor, they are only one and two years younger than me. WE ALL USE GOOGLE.




On a whole other issue, I really think its true that boys in NS just stop using their brain, whether in the army or police. They seem to think cubicle walls are sound proof. Like lazing around and chatting instead of doing work, I can actually hear you guys slacking you know. And when you guys relax when the other heads are not around, I can tell you know. This is sort of strange.

Not entirely sure what to feel about this. But one thing is sure, there are some lovely people around.

Do you know what is awkward?

Awkward is when I’m not sure how to rsvp to an event that may, possibly be important for me to attend. That of which I have no idea. That of which maybe no other head will turn up, or all will and I am not. I have no idea. Awkward is needing to give a speech about TP to potential SOs when I haven’t even been here for a month so I don’t really have a clue as to what I am saying. Awkward is having to supervise and monitor things which I do not even compute. Awkward is not having anyone to talk to or lunch with because everyone is either too old or too young. Awkward is when you are standing there all awkward, you make others awkward around you as well.




Awkward is everything I am now.

O-Lu.

I have to admit, I like being an OL. I like the mundane of it all, the routine and the stability of it all. I even like the rush hour panic, the clacking of heels, the impatient waiting at doors. I like having an aim, being occupied, being needed. I like my 9-5 desk job, even if it's more like 830-6 (and in the future probably more). I like the rushing to meet friends for dinner, to feel old and sleepy at 10pm, I like this all. I like the stiff uncomfortable clothing I have to wear, the prim and properness of it all. I like wearing heels and hearing my own clacking noise. I even like the occasional bouts of loneliness in my cubicle, the awkwardness of it all. I like the bitching about work, I like the looking forward to weekends.

I like the normalcy of it all. I don't need an exciting interesting life. I just need this one, with my friends and family by my side. :)

I would just like to point out.

That I've accepted that my job is going to be challenging, and I am not backing down from this challenge.

The people are nice and rather friendly even though it's still all awkward. (My NSF actually spoke to me today)

I have a thousand and one things to do, but they are all interesting thousand and one things.

But sometimes, I just feel so damn lonely.

Can I really do this?

I've been asking myself this question so much these past three days. Day three into the job and I realize how demanding this job actually is. My upper study is so capable and good at his job, I'm so afraid I'll just screw everything up.

It's not just getting used to acronyms and how the police force works. It's not just reading the multitude of instruction manuals and standard operation procedures. It's not just interacting with people.

It's my first job. I have no experience whatsoever. How to write the proper emails, to whom, who else must I cc? Basic company culture, work ethics how they function, I have no experience in all this. You can't get any fresher than this.

And yet, I have a post where I am in charge of so many things. I don't need a boss to hold my hand and spoon feed me, but I really don't think I'm ready or in a position to hold other people's hands and spoon feed them. I sincerely feel like I bit off more than I can chew this time. The entire job just seems so daunting.

So I'm thankful for many things. Like how my 'assistants' are always willing to teach me. How everyone is so kind. How my dy commander likes me and really understands how fresh and inexperienced I am (he was the one after all, that decided on my appointment). How my upper study isn't leaving till October.

So my learning curve is now a vertical, but I've really found a job that needs me.

I CAN DO THIS x10000000000000000000

I am completely terrified of my commander now though, from all the stories I have heard.

Oh, the irony.

I've just realized, for six years in my life, i.e. primary school, the one word which I had difficulty pronouncing every morning when we recited the pledge was the word 'democratic'.

And now look at what I obtained a university degree in.

And this is what it means to be alive.

RAG'10

Even now I ponder on my commitment and attachment to a project I find so many problems with. But last night, even though I was hungry and thirsty and so sleep deprived, it was such a superb night.

The music, the colours, the dances, the cheering, the emotions and lastly the celebrations. It felt so good, it made me want to be a student again. To be young and careless, where you give in your all, grumble about doing so, but still give more than you originally planned to anyway.

When I close my eyes, I can still hear the music.

story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

What's it like to dream, to have dreams?

What do I want?

out of life.

I like to think I can be anything I want to be, when I want to be. And actually it's okay to miss a few things, because there are a billion other things for me to do. And it's okay to think I have time to waste and that I will be young forever. It's okay that ten years down I'll wonder why I never did this and that, because ten years down I would have done some other thing anyway. I guess for me right now, live like there's always a tomorrow so do what you want today. Everyday's a different day, but that's okay too.

It's okay, and if it's not, it will be.

女人长大还是要嫁

Oddly, in this past month, I've heard this line more than 4 times.

And each time it strikes me that it's just not on my plate. Maybe five years down I'll be pinning to get married. But right now the words marriage, children, boyfriend, are just not important to me. Right now they have no value.

It's okay, everyone has their different priorities.

Also, have rediscovered my love for bicycle riding. Had an awesome afternoon just speeding my way through ECP. I'm definitely going to do it again before I start working.

Run away with me to the place of dreams.

If I could, I would wish for all my friends to forever have something to smile about. Because it brightens my day to see them smile. Smile like the wind can take you away.

One day, it will be a beautiful day again.

Japan is really pretty. No, really.

Flowers are my point here, but there is no harm in starting the post with a nyaan-chan.

These pretty babies be the size of my palm.

A handfull of Shibu Sakura, Sakura that grows on the grown. Quite possibly my favourite flower.

Pretty things which look like blue Shiba Sakura (which to my knowledge exists in white pink and purple).

A field of purple Shiba Sakura. It's like a dream.

okay okay.

eventually I will be okay.

:)

unless you count being a failure as one thing.

failure.

-

NOTHING IS HAPPENING IN MY LIFE.

till then, stay awesome.

Advertisement fail.

This company is looking for a reporter.

"Requirements:

• Degree in business/banking/journalism/mass communication with one to two years working experience.
• Fresh graduates are encouraged to apply.

Yes I can see they really need someone who can check facts and statements.

happy happy happy!

a few things.

1. stood right at the back with no pushing and screaming fangirls and plenty of nice air

2. still managed to get a good view of them

3. and their voices! (i highly suspect only 2 of them were singing life and for some parts only)

4. Jinwoon's voice cracked somewhere, oh that smile.

5. my camera is super awesome, 18X zoom and HD recording.

6. I now have fancams.

7. 凌晨两点

8. It was good to feel young again.

What does it mean to be blood relatives?

Yes, I am being selfish.

To be honest I don't know you and don't know me.

The kids of tomorrow do not stand a chance.

"Harry Potter is all about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity...Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend."

- Andrew Futral

All my friends know this. I hate the Twilight series so much. The movies are bad and the books are the worst thing of print history. It has no plot, 2D flat characters and the writing is atrocious. I'm not being a grammar nazi or book snob here, but it's a really bad book. And I have tried reading it.

I guess I'm at the age where I wonder about having kids. And if I ever become a mother (however unlikely XD) I wonder about how I'll bring my kids up. At this point in my life, I can see clearly how my mother has damaged me, but has also shaped me to whatever I am now, the parts I'm ashamed and proud off. It kills me to think that my kids may end up reading Twilight instead of books with actual proper writing.

Reading was a large part of my childhood and till this day I love to read. I love losing myself in a good book, anytime, even today. It pains me that some people will grow up not knowing the best most simple books but know the entire cast of Twilight and how much hairspray the Robert P guy has.

"I live in two worlds. One is a world of books. I've been a resident of Faulkner's Yoknapatawpha County, hunted the white whale aboard the Pequod, fought alongside Napoleon, sailed a raft with Huck and Jim, committed absurdities with Ignatius J. Reilly, rode a sad train with Anna Karenina, and strolled down Swann's Way. It's a rewarding world, but my second one is by far superior. My second one is populated with characters slightly less eccentric but supremely real, made of flesh and bone, full of love, who are my ultimate inspiration for everything."

- Rory's valedictorian speech, "Those Are Strings, Pinocchio"

It makes me want to love somebody.

Sometimes I wonder what it's like, to buy dinner for two.

Take my hand.

Let's travel the world. Pretend to have no worries.

We'll walk down the avenue and take two lefts.

Forget that there's a path, that leads us back.

Go on, be young.

We could go on forever, if only you wanted to.

There's nothing to consider, just where to take the next step.

Blink and miss the sunset, but it's okay, there's always another day.

Today I learned a few things.

1. There will always be weird people.

2. You appear weird to many others as well.

3. I am not as bitchy as I think.

4. At least not as gossipy.

5. Good times at a good cafe.

6. I have friends for life. :)

7. You can find joy in the simplest of things.

8. And at the same, the most cruel and heart breaking.

9. What can never be will not be.

10. Let go.

FML so hard.

Today I slipped on a puddle of mud. And FELL into the same god damned puddle of mud.

My jeans and my bag was covered WITH A LAYER OF MUD. Like super gross can?

ewwewwwewww. Had to walk to the nearest toilet near LT11 to wash everything away. DAMN GROSS and troublesome. And now my bag smells like soil. Earthy kind of smell. Not smelly or foul....just really earthy.

Mud also dries up surprisingly fast.

Camy and I have come to the conclusion that we are honest people, we designate bitchy to other more deserving people.

Used to.

I used to make my parents so proud.

For the last 6 years all I've felt like is a failure.

I must be really hard to like.

I feel like no lover, friend or family can truly understand and like me.

Or care enough to.

Ego booster.

Job hunting is depressing and tiring.

So I need an ego booster, and this is what I remember.

At the start of the last semester in NUS, bear and I had a tutorial to facilitate. Which you know, sounds pretty easy, except its a level four module. So a few things.

1. The damn thing was supposed to last 3 hrs. THREE WHOLE HOURS

2. I like my professor and would love to impress him.

3. Partly cause while being nice and encouraging, he's also a very fair marker = would not hesitate to give you a C.

4. Module mates are pretty smart too.

5. I JUST WANT TO IMPRESS AND FEED MY OWN EGO LIKE I AM DOING NOW OKAY?

Point was, we stressed about it and worked on it and read up and came up with stuff and at the end emobrand asked the class to applause the 'fearless leaders'.

FEARLESS LEADERS

:):):)

Okay, back to resumes.

Sometimes glass glitters more than diamonds because it has more to prove.

I am so glad I am slowly but surely rediscovering my love for reading good books.

:):):)

I don't think I've ever felt so happy for other people in my entire life. Today my happiness is built on other people, and what an excellent feeling it is. :)

Congratulations my friends!

Heels, they don't get less painful, you get more tolerant.

My love for shoes is pretty much the only common thing I have with SJP's character in SATC. Watched the 2nd movie with the usuals today. OMG 10 bucks full of cheesy lines and bad puns.

Samantha was all good tho. XD

Good that I met up with friends just a day after coming back from land of rising sun. noranekos, handsome rickshaw drivers and awesome food. The past 2 and a half weeks have me really considering going to Japan for work. I do want to take up the language and the lifestyle there really suits the cat in me.

It does mean I have something to look forward to.

I am unrationally nervous about monday.

I'm coming back.

So excited you have no idea. :):):)

Family.

Today, after so many years, I found my mum cute again.

We're not close, but in my own way, I do love my family. I can't imagine not.

And that, was that.

At the end of it all. I didn't know whether to shout in joy, scream for unemployment, or cry.

I think I was pretty close to crying. That this will never be again.

Perhaps it hasn't sank in. Perhaps I need a week or two. By that time I'll be in Japan.

Or I just really need to clear my sleep debt first.

Panda.

we gave this panda to tk. saw it together and decided it on the spot. I like being this efficient.

I will miss wasting time, spending it aimlessly. Walking around talking about nothing and everything. When we still had dreams. Uncertainty wasn't so scary, we could afford to be oblivious. But if you ask me for another round of this,

...sorry, growing up has reached.

This is study Evelyn

or at least trying to study Evelyn. A+ for effort. F for results.

Yay me. D:

What do I want.

If there was one thing I took away from today's complete failure of an interview, it's that more and more I feel I am not suited for a government job.

3 months later this statement might bite me in the ass. But as I looked at the directors that interview me today, I asked myself, 10 years down, do I want their job? Would I be able to climb that high? Do I want to be them?

No.

Oh FRIED FOOD.

I think if I ever ever go on a real detox, it'll result in a complete failure.

It's day four of a virus induced detox (ie damn food poisoning) and I am craving fried food like mad. Especially sinful delicious fried chicken. oh god.

but my stomach literally trembles and shakes with the thought of putting anything greasy into it.

so. the point is. If I ever go on detox, I'll just ruin all the effort by gorging in sinful fried stuff after that. Then it's completely useless right?

Also, since I can't stomach all the greasy food, I've been craving all the high carb foods. Like waffles, and cakes and oreos AND THANKS AH CAMY, POST RAINBOW PANCAKES ON MY FB. I don't even usually like pancakes. Now I'm craving them like I crave chocolate.

Glorious glorious nutella.

not that I can stomach them either.

Aish. Such is life.

Like how I have another interview on Friday for a job I have not much idea on. And from what I can read on the website....I don't want it.

It's not like beggars can be choosers. But if I get stuck in a dead end job that technically pays enough to feed one mouth, the only drawback is seeing my parents face going all =| in an effort to not be all D: For some reason my Dad has high hopes for me, partly cause of his own hard climb to where he is today (earning a figure enough for me to muddle through life so far) and partly cause my brother is pretty much a lost case. Disappointment for me comes with not being able to make my parents happy, for not living up to their expectations. And its not like the pressure me into thinking this way. Hell, if he could I think my Dad would willingly let me bum my way through life forever. But it's time to give back Evelyn. The future is so uncertain right now. So full of opportunities, of success and failure.

I really hate feeling like a complete failure.

Fuck this.

It's always been like this.

I feel shit right now and it's not even self pity. I can barely get out of bed and you know it.

Or you would know it if you bother to care. If you bothered to call, if you bothered to pick up the damn phone to even text me.

Half the time you don't bother. I'm fucking tired of doing the chasing.

But three days later I'll be at it again. It'll be nice to actually hear a word of concern.

Sometimes I think you enjoy me chasing you, then offering scraps of attention to this attention seeking whore.

That's all I am to you anyway.

This is the week, I lived it like I have a hundred more.

The problem with being caught up with the 'finality' of things, you start to regret not doing more of this and that, you reminisce before you've even left. You miss out just being.

So I lived this final week 13, like I still have another semester left. I went out, went to school. Ate good food, ate school food. I studied, did last minute work. Took dozens of photos, looked a places I would have taken photos.

YingLing.Cherie.Rome.

Juan.Nails.Shoe.

Bear.Laksa.emobrand.

tkmummy.Biz.Rats.

Gown.Review.Sushi.

Cameras.ohsixers.smiles.laughter.

红豆冰.ahniuface.awesomecherie.

Helen.Rings.Food.

Awesome week everybody.

And now it's time for something new.

Hell Week

1. I guess I'm lucky enough that I really only have one hell week this final semester.
2. Already began on Sat, with the terrible flu. Left with only the running nose to deal with.
3. First job interview was a panel interview. COMPLETELY unprepared, but it could have been worse. I think. oh whatever, at least I won't be as nervous at other interviews.
4. At least I got to meet up with XH for an awesome lunch!
5. ESSAYS. Deadlines hanging over my head.
6. Can't wait for week13, more plans to hang out rather than study.
7. Exams are the last thing on my mind right now. Funny.
8. Japan trip shaping up! EXCITINGS
9. Using the iPhone. Not as user friendly as everyone things. Kept pressing the wrong keys.
10. But am now super connected in terms of tweet tweet and fb. LOL. Ms Chan and I, we be super fast in replying.
11. Seeing Hock's europe photos on fb makes me miss europe so so so much.
12. It's not just the sights and sounds, but the travelling and the journey. So much to see and learn.

Don't waste words.

In an effort to get people to look
into each other’s eyes more,
and also to appease the mutes,
the government has decided
to allot each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.

When the phone rings, I put it to my ear
without saying hello. In the restaurant
I point at chicken noodle soup.
I am adjusting well to the new way.

Late at night, I call my long distance lover,
proudly say I only used fifty-nine today.
I saved the rest for you.

When she doesn’t respond,
I know she’s used up all her words,
so I slowly whisper I love you
thirty-two and a third times.
After that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe.

- The Quiet World, Jeffrey McDaniel –

My Tattoo will look like this.

I'm serious. If I ever get a tattoo, I want it to looks as childish as this. If I were a guy, I'll get it on the underside of my forearm. Seeing as I am a girl.....maybe on my upper arm. I hardly wear sleeveless clothings anyway. :):):)

If this was Twilight...

I would read every book, watch every movie.

I swear I am not a feminist.

But you know, good song is good song. Brings me back to the days of CSS, of not just S.H.E. but Energy, 5566, when Jay and Sun Yan Zi ruled cpop. Oh nostalgia. Also, skyped Fidz and her FIANCÉ. Exciting much? Going to be looking out for green dresses from now on. I have never been so happy and excited to go shopping! Hahas. Met Carissa in school today, apparently she has seen MEI LING alive. I look forward to Sat. This is turning out to be GOOD WEEK.

Who I defend, I do not love.

This accompanied me through my 7k. Love it. Take a listen.

I wake up, it's a bad dream,
No one on my side,
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired
to be fighting,
guess I'm not the fighting kind.
Wouldn't mind it
if you were by my side
But you're long gone,
yeah you're long gone now.

Motivation, come to me. Inspiration, take the same ride.

Oh god. 7k essay not going well. So much information and so confusing. I feel like I have to be super morally upright when writing this paper. Except there hasn't been much writing, and I'm not very moral.

Or morally upright.

Whatever. technicalities.

But at very least I haven't procrastinated to the very last minute. If I continue at this rate of productivity, I may actually finish this on time. Totally cannot ask for extension. I am going to die. Sleep is for the weak. Omg.

But anyway, on happier more cheerful stuff. I have discovered a reason to be messy. Instant photography I am in LOVE with you.

Work work work.....with me

1. number one worry is the 7k essay due next week for somesoool. Ethics in Public Organizations. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I am not entirely sure how I am going to do it. Not bothering with the other readings for the other mods. Probably not going to be bothered with sleep as well.

2. Done with one presentation for the 2005. Omg only, thank god that one is over. Thank god I totally acted as a 大姐大 and got everything settled for the project. I half care about them bitching behind my back. I care a lot more about getting things done.

3. Dins plus Japan talk (and gossiping in general) with OTP for two consecutive nights. I am a satisfied girl. VVVVVVVV EXCITED ABOUT JAPAN. Like I wish I could go there NOW. We have this super long assed list of FOOD TO NOMNOM IN JAPAN. Like excitings only. The right person is definitely very important. I'm glad I'm going Japan with OTP, our love affair with the country is more than just the pretty boys and good food. Hurhur, we heart all the same things, and are amazed/appalled by the same things as well. =DDD We will go to Japan and be terrible foreign tourists! HURHUR.

4. Of two evils, would you rather your belove cheat on you with many others or one person? The Jack Neo thing puts things into perspective. The couple's blatant, almost rabid claims of love to each other may be sort of =\. But I can totally see why his wife still claims to love him and I am inclined to believe he still loves his wife. Having multiple girlfriends means his attraction to them was mostly physical and on an emotional level, he's still in love with his wife.

Still a bastard.

Today is your birthday.

I have written you many unsent letters filled with words I should have and want to tell you.

But I think it's suffice to say, today is the one day I let myself think of the painful and useless what ifs. Today is the day I cry but hope. Today is the day I remember and reminisce.

Today I regret.

Tis a quiet Saturday afternoon, what would you like to do?

一 Giving tuition has if nothing else, cemented one thing for me; I am not cut out to teach. I am neither patient nor understanding. It is hard for me to keep my temper in check and I hate repeating myself. Like a lot. Bodes ill for my current tutee, whom I suspect after every lesson with increasing conviction, is suffering from some kind of learning disorder. =\ Other other hand, she looks like a doll and is not lazy, which motivates me to teach her as 1. not free money 2. I see effort.

二 Readings for corruption this week (4221) is actually rather interesting. This stems from the fact that I am the discussant this week, as such must read well and throughly. Also, I've taken a few classes on Japan and actually know some of the stuff that is written in the readings. Score for UE mods! Now I actually need to finish the rest. I hope they are as interesting as they are exasperating.

三 The urge to move out and live on my own gets stronger each day. But I don't think it will ever happen. When I finally start earning the moolah for it to happen, my parents will probably be too old to be left alone. Oh well, live through my room...and other people.

四 DEADlines piling up. evelyn, last semester, please try not to torture yourself with less than minimal sleep. Totally not good. A plus point is that two of my essays I can actually write on Japan which increases motivation and interest for me. It is such a pain working for things you have no interests in. Like my GEK mods this and last sem. It becomes a burden and takes the fun out of everything. Which makes me want to be more discerning when it comes to job hunting. But hello evelyn, look at your resume. Beggers can't be choosers. Oh life. =/

五 say HI to little Paddington! ;)

A step towards reorganization.

I think it's time to actually start acting like my blood type, all OCD and in need of clean. I have random bursts/spurts of OMG MUST ORGANIZE WHAT IS ALL THESE SHIT!?!?! Clearly not enough. Recently I've been liking everything thats all white and clean looking, might have to do with the immense number of readings. I just want things uncluttered and clean. Now that my real world is much better, time for my virtual one to get a face lift. Probably the only thing I still want to go for bold colours for is my nails. They are now a creme green. :D

School so far has been rather floaty for me. Neither extremely enjoyable nor outright depressing. The last spate of datelines for my academic career (as of right now I have no intention of studying anymore. this might change. or might not) hangs in the not-so-far future, so time to get my act together for the last time. Perhaps I may even enjoy the process this time. I'm just glad for all the ;DDD moments I have collected over the years. Sometimes even the D: moments, because they make life extra sweet.

This May I'll be treading all over the main Japanese island with OTP for what now looks like an excellent grad trip. I am squeeing in glee just thinking about it. So many places in the world to go and so many wonderful people to go with. My only regret is not having the time and moolah to actually travel with various people to different edges of the world. But we are young, we have opportunities aplenty, just don't pass them by. :) So explore the world with me.

Or we could just find a corner to hide and smile and listen to music. Just us.

This is just another WANT.

Perhaps it'll never become a need.

Until then, this is a dream of dreams.

Like a gust of wind, it came.

Funny how things happen. Somesoool showed a clip of a British comedy in class today. Hearing rapid British accent just made me nostalgic.

Here is what my heart misses.

Oh, Lancaster.

This is my life.

Woes of my teeth has got me feeling terribly sorry for myself. Recent happiness with people has put a smile on my face. Handphone dying on me a few times has made me take a second look at all the pictures I have in it. The camera phone is amazing. Below are a just a faction of the photos I have taken with the very electronic that accompanies me wherever and whenever. These pictures are really a window to my life. All the happiness and sadness, frustration and wanderings.