I am not interested in getting married and having kids.

This really isn't so hard to understand is it? I absolutely hate it that because of my strong character that I need to get a husband so that I'll become 'softer', more lady like.

What in fucking hell.

If I ever date a guy who actually expects me to tone down and become a 小女人 to him, there is no way I'm marrying the guy.

It's not like I don't have expectations of the person I date/marry/whatever, but I am certainly not going to force that person to change certain aspects of their personality just to get married.

People change and mature and sometimes couples do it together. If I do tone down it's because probably/HOPEFULLY I've grown wiser and more mature. And I want to be a 小女人 to my partner because I think, I feel the person deserves to be treated gently and with love by me.

It's just the idea that every girl needs to meet Mr Right and become the girl behind the successful guy that irks me that much. Any perceived flaw of my personality would not, should not and will not be cured by marrying a guy.

4 inches.

Today I bought a pair of heels 4 inches high. Madness. Might actually be my steepest heels so far. But they cost only 10 bucks. I'll just wear them on and of in office. Hurhur. My legs look terribly awesome in them though. Should wear them for CNY totally.

A and WY gave birth over the weekend. I've never seen so many newborns in such a short span of time. They are terribly tiny. With tiny fingernails that freak the hell out of me. Haiyoh, but really very cute. Makes me realize how much some sort of company is sometimes what we all need.

Someone to give a hug. Someone to receive a hug from. Someone just to sit just by you and just, be there. Someone there to listen when you put on the Captain Obvious hat and comment on things like, shiny spoons and round sweets, floating balloons, blue skies and green trees.

Someone to be boring with?

This is for you.

Maybe one day it will all be over. But some days it just burns so badly, the hurt the tears.

I can smile because I cry. Nothing is more beautiful than the sun when it rises.

It sets.

The only thing I'm sorry for, is disappointing you.

I was never, is not, will never be what you wanted me to be.

It's out there.

They say that things just cannot grow. Beneath the winter snow.

This is my winter song.
December never felt so wrong,
Cause youre not where you belong;
Inside my arms.

Visited the mother and sister of my deceased officer. I hope I never have to see the kind of heartbreak I saw in the eyes of little old lady again.

Sexual education

My mum is NOW asking me about sexual education I received in school and warning me about staying out late with guys.

Now, when I'm 24, one year into my first job. Secondary school was 8 years ago okay.

How am I going to tell them about Vietnam trip? :(

I hope you're happy.

There wasn't enough. But, I guess if you're happy.

City of lights, may they light up your life.

at some point in my life, I'd like to be magnificent please.

Heard this song in like 4 or 5 of the shops I entered at 313 today. HMV was pretty much playing her entire CD. It was pretty awesome.

The past week was terrible. Work, this week at work was probably the worst and most stressful week ever, even beating the GE week and likely the coming PE week. But you know, people can be really very nice to you in time of need. I've never had so many people offering me comfort this week. I'm lucky, really lucky to have such people in my life.

Anyway, been having a spurt of must be productive spirit rushing through my veins recently. Signed up for Japanese classes with Cindy for Sundays morning. I don't want to waste my weekends away again. But then again, sleeping in should never be considered a waste of time. Getting old, I can feel it. I can't take late nights and little sleep like I used to. I guess I like this as well, being busy.

Having things to do, people to meet, things to rush out, gatherings to organize. I want to feel like a super woman. Being able to cope with work, having time for friends, being the person there. spending time with family. I want it all. And I know I can.

This feeling better last, cause I've never felt this determined and so good about myself. ever.

Let's go Evelyn, be magnificent!

Change

Why are we so afraid of it? If things are wrong why dont we correct it?
I understand, the comfort zone is such a big thing in everybody's life. But I cannot stand that everyone knows something isn't going to work, hasn't been working, can no longer work and they don't do amything about it!!! Why? So we are safe? In the long run who suffers? Everyone! Who benefits? No one! How is this not clear to so many of you who have experienced so much with your life's?

Have you not learn? The ostrich will never solve anything! If things are not going well you damn well do something about it.

There is always a time and place to whine and grumble and complain. But if the issue has a time constraint do really think looking for the person to blame should be your number one priority? How about fixing the problem first? And if there's someone to blame it will never be just one person. How about the supervisor? The supervisor? The auditor? The partners? No one saw trouble coming? Then either everyone else is equally stupid or just did not bother. That itself should be faulted as well.

I'm not going to take this lying down. It's ridiculous and so porposturous that it's still happening now. Super irritated.

Change people, or you will never know and you will never be sadder. But never happier as well.

"we are not fairies"

up North Down Under with some trusty film.

It's true, excellent company make for excellent trips. This trip really showed how much fun, joy and laughter one can have with the right people. Every single day, I enjoyed myself, every moment was either fun, gorgeous or breathtaking. I never wanted to come back. It was almost everything I wanted in a road trip. The singing, the eating, the late night chats and the silly games we played. I don't understand how it could be better.

We don't need no five star hotel,

we just need this freedom.

Also, this trip rekindled my love for film photography. So beautiful how so many of the pictures came out. Brought the right cameras with the right film to the right place. I love the sun streaks which appear on my photos and I am in love with slide film. But not much sense using them in Singapore cause the pictures won't turn out as nice. Unless I go snapping on a hothothot day, which I totally DNW. oh well. Enjoy them abroad!

This is mortality.

Today I visited an officer given about one month to live. She has stage 4 terminal breast cancer.

She has a freaking memo from the doctor stating she has a few weeks to a month to live.

And she's all ready. She has settled all her bills, she's bought her place in the crematorium. The only thing she hasn't settled was the very thing I had to go and talk to her about. And there I was in her face reminding her of her mortality.

She was so brave, smiling and going on, serving me water being so frank and open. She has wonderful friends around her. Being next to her, helping her in these final days. It's from here I can see what a wonderful person she must have been, still is, to have made such strong friends. I can only hope to develop relationships as precious and as meaningful as her.

And at the end of it all she thanked me.

I miss London.

Been crazy watching Doctor Who again. Haven't gone on to Matt Smith yet, still watching the David Tennant ones. OMG I am totally shipping Ten/Rose. And I don't actually find Rose that attractive. Still she's a lot prettier than River Song. OMG I wish they got someone prettier for it. I mean the actress is pretty awesome and her character is awesome, I just wished it was someone younger looking and looked less like Miss Frizzle. It would lessen the pain of not having Ten/Rose. Oh well.

Started watching Doctor Who back in the UK, I miss life there so so much. Or maybe I just missed living alone.

I just want to be loved.

It isn't the same anymore, and it will never be as before.

Maybe eventually I'll let go and it won't hurt.

"But there’s always going to be people like that in life; people you’re terribly sensitive to. Your own emotions count for nothing as long as they’re smiling and you hate yourself for it, hate yourself for thinking that every single gesture and word from that person matter more than you, but there’s nothing you can do about it except drink yourself into oblivion. Then you wake up the next morning –wishing your head will fall off by itself– only to find that the sun’s still up and the cycle repeats. That, is not very fun. "

Prejudice.

On the train today, I spotted a funny looking girl. All in pink with a short skirt, pink bag and pink iphone cover. Yet she was so muscular, like those tennis players, just short of a body builder.

1st judgement, why would such a sporty looking person like the girly pink so much?

And there I looked at her neck and very obviously, there's an Adam's apple. Girl in pink is a dude.

I'm pretty liberal, but 2nd judgement was OH. MY. GOD. what a revelation!

I'm not anti-homo/transvestitism/'deviance' but I can't help my initial reaction. Perhaps I'm socially educated that way. It's not that I discriminate, but 'deviant' people have to realise that they can be accepted just maybe not right away.

Understand that I do.

There are a few things I wished I could have told you. But I was 14 and you may not have listened. So these are important, I won't hesitate to tell it anymore. I hope they listen and understand. Understand, that I understand.

1. It's okay to be different.
2. Everyone hates themselves once in a while.
3. Maybe even all the time.
4. There is a bright side to things.
5. Put the past away.
6. Everyone judges, but there are people who can see past their own judgements.
7. I understand.

I wished you had stepped back from that ledge my friend.

Va-caycaycay-tion

Basically I want to go on a holiday

to a place with pretty night lights

Where we'll wear flowery autumn clothes,

bitch about the chilly wind,

and eat ice cream through it.

We'll take long afternoon walks,

revel in the sun.

Waste time taking photos of the grass.

wandering in our painful shoes.

We'll wear cardigans and scarfs,

sunglasses and make up.

While we pretend to understand

the avant-garde art.

And so it begins

GE was announced today. I kind of just want to hole up and cry about the amount of work, the 17 billion gazillion things waiting for me to do. I need a break. I've planned it already.

Doing this job made me realised how much I've just been shoved into deep waters. Sometimes I just want to shout out loud, "NEED HAND HOLDING NOT READY. WILL NEVER BE READY." Insecurity and stress.

It can be a few things.

1 insecurity eating me up

2 I'm lonely. very.

3 in need in need in need.

4 tired.

5 dont want to face the world.

6 I could be so much happier.

This entry is not coherent. But it's been a while since I have been.

I wish I was away now.

Screw up.

I screwed up badly at work today. Like I've been telling everyone, it's my fault only not really. I'm new so there are a lot of details I'm unaware of. And I'm unaware that I am unaware. Objectively it's still my fault.

If I did more research, look further and deeper, had more foresight I could have prevented it.

Instead my strongest excuse is I was unaware. How stupid is that.

And the guilt. The problem with being in hr is that you screwing up, means screwing with people's career, life. Not just myself. It would be much easier if so.

Pray for Japan

As if the daily reports of the kindness and generosity of the Japanese is not enough, today on a more personal level I've felt it once again.

My Dad recently went to the funeral of the 5 year old child of one of his Japanese colleague. In return they gave him a freaking box of TWG tea bags. It's like if I lost my 5 year old child buying expansive gifts, or even simple gifts, whatever, would be the last thing on my mind.

It just shows, even during the toughest time, you can continue to have a societal based thinking.

It may be a different form of altruism, but still.

被感动了

What are you afraid of?

I fear being alone.

I don't need to be taken care of. I don't need someone to pull up a chair, to open a door. I don't need someone to pay my bills and buy me just because presents. I don't need the additional burden, then invasion of privacy. I don't need the smothering and phone calls. I don't need to be treated like porcelain.

I just don't want to be alone.

Because not knowing the sadness, the pining, the yearning, the disappointment, the need, the helplessness also means not knowing the joy, the fulfillment, the excitement, the rush through your head, your heart.


I'm tired of playing second fiddle to be honest. I want to be selfish and give 100% and get 150%, because that is exactly how tired I am.

But none of you can understand that.

Invested emotions.

Words cannot express how I feel now. Just, the rush of emotion is amazing. I can't believe I've so much invested emotion into these boys. WTF, I judge myself.

:)

This is me.

"But there’s always going to be people like that in life; people you’re terribly sensitive to. Your own emotions count for nothing as long as they’re smiling and you hate yourself for it, hate yourself for thinking that every single gesture and word from that person matter more than you, but there’s nothing you can do about it except drink yourself into oblivion. Then you wake up the next morning –wishing your head will fall off by itself– only to find that the sun’s still up and the cycle repeats. That, is not very fun."

St Valentines had something going for him

Happy Valentines Day! I like celebrations, it's an excuse to spend money and treat yourself well. I don't care that its commercialism and evil capitalism at work. It feels great and I like it.

Today was once again a singles valentines, but it's wonderful reading about the awesome valentines my friends have. :) It's always a blessing to see happy people.

On Friday a friend's Dad passed away. Instantly when I heard the news, my mind flashed back to you. How when they nailed the coffin shut, they nailed a part of my heart in it. Sometimes I'm so afraid of forgetting, times like these remind me that I won't.

I miss you.

The best 红包 ever.

Above is the CNY goodies table at my grandmother's house. As expected, there was plenty of heated bad for you food all around. Still the food my grandmother cooks tastes best. Probably because its the kind of food I grew up eating, so it will forever taste like coming home.

This year the best 红包 didn't come from anyone to me. It was actually the fat 红包 I was able to give my grandmother. It felt great to be able to give her money, to be able to give her something back after all these years. My family isn't the closest of all, but we do things our own way and at the end of it all, we're family.

To me, this means something.

Concert, worth the obscene $$ they make you pay.

1. SS3 was awesome for two things, the very concert itself and the new friends I made.
2. I am a strange fan.
3. Mosh pit people were treated like dogs. The first rule when your job involves people (and most jobs do) is to have a little pr skills. Or everything will just bite you in the ass.
4. Totally want to go SS3 in KL now.
5. There are plenty of mad fans.
6. I was overwhelmed during the concert so much so I didn't cry or scream much, all I could do was just keep my eyes wide open and try to take in as much as possible.
7. Kangin =|

Life is pretty fulfilling right now with work and social stuffs. But somehow I get the feeling I'm missing out on something very important in life. Perhaps I should soften my stance on it. But I just can't.

"Tell me who wants to look back on those years and wonder, where those years have gone?"

Rejoice your voice, your voice rejoice.

My current earworm is finally not a trashy song.

So hauntingly beautiful.

我很想你

so very much.