The comfort of it all.

After two and a half weeks of being on course, I don't want to go back to work.

I like being with people my age. There are minimal awkwardness. We do things together. The company is great. The venue is near my house, I wake up about an hour later. Honestly I'm just much happier.

People really matter.

The last three days better pass slowly.

:(

CRY YOUR HEART OUT PLEASE

such is life.

It's filled with challenges and obstacles to take you down. And they will. Today tomorrow, yesterday. We all fall.

Yesterday I went back to my office because on Friday I managed to have 10mins to check my email and found 236 emails waiting for me. Each demanding my full attention and abilities I do not have.

Yesterday I cried. Because I couldn't take it. I couldn't handle the stress and everything everyone was expecting of me.

And and and, after my cry I felt so much better. Suddenly my problems didn't seem so big, practical solutions appeared in my mind. Never mind that many things aren't settled, I am on my path to solving them. You can never finish work, but its always great to get things going.

I've always felt a good cry may not help the problems directly, but it allows me to release my anger, frustration and grief. It clears my mind and I think better. At the very least my thoughts don't gear towards anger so eagerly.

So, at the end of the day, things will get better. They will get worse for sure. But everything will be alright.

everything will be alright.

It's like leaving my baby ALL ALONE

So, I've finally been left to hold the reins alone for a week and I won't lie, it's terribly stressful. But I think so far I'm doing okay. There's just many things to learn and I'm lucky to have so many people to help me. But I really think an area I definitely brush up on is how to handle people and their emotions better. Think on your feet!

Much of the week was spent interacting with my minions as well. They really are nice boys and once I've gotten them to like me and treat me as a friend, they're actually very willing to help me and do my work. But to be very honest, they are so muddle headed sometimes I feel like my eyelids are going onto overdrive with the amount of eye-rolling I have to do. I really think they switch off their brains or are just not very smart. Some of the things they ask me I'm like........right.

So anyway I'll be away on course for 3 weeks and before I left I wrote this shit-ass long email detailing everything they need to do and every step of it. OMG. I can write my on IM. But I'm just so terrified while on course I get phone calls saying my branch is in a mess and my minions have created a big mess. Gaaaah, so worried right now.

And it all comes crashing down.

Spent the afternoon packing up my closet. Cause it was so ridiculously full that it was getting ridiculously hard to reach clothing I want to wear. But don't get me wrong, it's not that I have too many clothes, more like too many CCA/class/camp/FASS tees. Damnit, could have been much richer if over the years I didn't spent so much money buying them. But, even now when I have no use for them, I keep them nicely folded, stacked in their own corner of my closet because I just cannot bring myself to throw them away. No matter how detached I get, they will always mean something very special to me. :)

My emotions have been out of control recently. I go from sudden highs to bouts of depression that reminds me of the time in secondary school. I can hear my favourite song come up on the radio and get immensely happy, but it can all come crashing down in seconds. This has however made me realized the ease at which we can actually be happy if we focus on the good and block out the depressing. Unfortunately for me, while recently I get natural highs quite a bit, my own mind makes me so upset, to the point I'm starting to think the certain thoughts too much and of a certain dearly missed friend.

Mostly I think, its because I'm feeling so lonely. When I'm with friends I'm happy and cheerful and smiling isn't hard. I feel like I belong. But more often than not I find myself realizing I don't mean much, or enough, to anyone at all. Unconditional love and giving my ass. I'm kind of tired of not having anyone to depend on and not having anyone depend on me. Yet the thought of opening up everything about myself to someone is is highly disturbing to me. I am a selfish attention seeking whore, I don't think I'll ever love someone back if the person doesn't love me more.

I'm not even talking about wanting a romantic relationship though. It's just I'm feel so lonely sometimes.

I just wish that there is someone, anyone, who cared.

And of course this brings me to wonder why one earth would anyone bother to care? If for 23 years no one has, clearly the problem is myself. I'm demanding bitchy, unconsciously rude. Sometimes I can be so unaware I offend people without realizing it. It's not like I can't sense it when it becomes obvious people are avoiding me and it's not like I'm not continuously trying to change and improve myself. But it seems like I am so flawed, or so bad at improving that I am the same hard to like person I was ten years back. It's not like I don't try. But much too often, effort is pointless without the obvious results to back them up.

Sometimes I just tell myself, fuck it evelyn, you're going to die a crazy cat lady with no friends, no family, only just a pet cat whom you have an en-strangled relationship with. Accept and deal.

And now, in the spirit of being absolutely depressed, yet having a natural high, here are some songs that put a smile on my face no matter what I was feeling 5 seconds ago.

Today is my mother's birthday! Birthday dinner in a while!