i was waiting for a bus one day at a certain bus stop in jurong west. there was a rather skinny lady who obviously had some sort of speech disability and metal problems, she was trying to wave down a taxi, but being a sat there were many taxis but non available. she didn't get that taxis dont stop just because you wanted them too and so was scolding 'naughty' to anyone that was there, refering to taxis. about 5 of us were at the bus stop and not one of us paid her any heed, choosing instead to give sidelong glances and keeping to ourselves. then this malay lady and her two kids arrived. the malay lady was pretty well dressed and had some sort of..'upper class look' about her. when the first lady started scolding 'naughty' again, to my complete and utter suprise, the malay lady started to help her. first asking if she wanted to flag a taxi, where was her destination and then proceeded to help her flag down a taxi. in fact, she placed an arm around the first lady and sort of comforted her and reassured her that they would get a taxi. it was a long wait, infact the malay lady and her kids missed their bus as she helped the first lady if her kids' faces are anything to judge by. but in the end a taxi was flagged down, the malay lady saw to it that the driver knew where to go exactly before waving good bye and resumed waiting for her bus.

being someone who abhore contact of any sort with other people, unless it's close friends, i was deeply shocked and instantly ashamed of myself. here i was sitting on the bench happily in my own world painfully ignoring the lady and her plight because she seemed abit 'funny'. i didn't have to put my arm around her or even comfort her. what i could do was actually help her. and i didn't. instead like a typical singaporean i sat there and ignored. 'the less i bothered, the less trouble i have' is this the kind of mindset most singaporeans have? because honesyly, that IS my mindset, and i'm not proud.

i have never been so humbled in my life. 6 years of primary education, 4 years of secondary enducation and 2 years of junior college education and where has that gotten me? to ignore the plight of others? to shun and discriminate against others?

those 2 malay kids are in good hands.

attended to css concert at esplanade with jia on tues. it was alright....the standard dropped. i mean, the dancing was good. the acting was rather raw, but it was definatly better then just reciting out lines, the band was pretty good and the choir was....pretty useless? i guess what they tried was to infuse all the elements, but it came out rather disjointed instead. ah well, it's a secondary school thing, pretty impressive. neeways, me and jia had 100 dollars stall seats kudos to her sister. at the entrance mr leong was there to greet us and he was like "thanks for suporting ah!! hehe, let me see your tickets..wow!! thanks thanks!!' i didn't want to break his heart by saying i got them free so let's allow him to continue thinking i'm in love with css. our seats were stall seats. they were right in front.

3rd row to be exact.

right next to the vips.

in front of the teachers.

YEEEEEES!! our seats were thAt freaky. it was so unnerving!!! goodness!!! urgh. i hope i never experience that again. i'll rather be right at the back, on top with a pathetic view and be able to mumble my evil comments of anything which irks me. i felt so controled and suffocated in the good seats. yikes.

i wore my pointy shoes that day, so naturally i have blisters. but that's not the best part. i no longer have pinky toes because they're just 2 huge blisters. eww. my feet hate me now for torturing them. i blame jia. she was supposed to stop me from wearing them instead she said 'go ahead! =)' arrgh.

after our prac lesson today, me and jia rushed to our final theory lessons. it was madness, we were at bbdc from 8am to 145pm. and the lessons was so confusing because it was all about the damn clutch. being the self-admitted bad drivers we are, we chose auto, so we had no clue as to what the guy was yappering about. woowee. it's gonna take maximum brain power to memorize the book before we attempt to pass the damn theory test. sheesh.

my liquid assests are at an all time low. 5 bucks in my wallet and 8 bucks stuck in my account. urgh. money this month is tight, i've already asked my dad for extra money >.< i have to crub my spending. come to think of it, i actually haven't been spending alot.....in fact most of my money has gone to topping up that damned ez-link card!!! honestly!!! it's disgusting. i go out almost everyday yes, but it's ridiculous when 10 freaking bucks can't even last me a week. urgh.

tmr i'm going for the ccs concert with jia cause we got free tics from her sis. hahs. x) they're worth 100 each!! hahas. this is all cool, nice and dandy, only we're doing dinner together and we'll be in the city area with all the nice shiny sparkly things right in my face. i've already asked jia to pay for dinner first (loveyouloveyouloveyou) and i'll pay her back when april rolls along. but we'll probably walk around the shops abit. i think i'll have to advoid directly looking at stuff so my hands won't get itchy, and i won't feel sososo terrible that i can't buy that special something which just happens to be on sale tmr. urgh. so jia can go "oooo!! ahhhhhh!! wow!! look eve! so nice!!" and i'll just go "uhuh, right. wow." and pretend to look at it.

meeh.

today, i was happily tuitioning my p5 tutee when i realised that we've finished 3 maths assement books on 5A. at first i was like okay, on to 5B, then i realised he's p5 not p6. his 5A syllabus is supposed to last till like june. so i asked him where his teacher has taught till. OMFG!! he pointed at the chapter 2 topics behind where we were. WTF!!! and the guy just copes with the work so easily!!! so damn smart and hardworking....or maybe just terrified of the mother. she very scary can. during the first lesson, she took out all his test paper and showed me how weak he was(which he wasn't except for english). i was like so freaked that i ended the lesson early saying that i wanted to give him a math test next week so we needed the extra half hour for the next lesson. this guy has minimal life. he has like 3 assesment book for each subject bought by the previous tuition teacher. and we're ahead of his class in all subjects. no wonder he never asks me about school work. so freaky.

neeways, elaine told me about her p2 tutee who has 7 assesment books for each subject. WTF!!! his mother says he has to do one everyday!!!!!! for god's sake, the kid is like 8?!?!?!? no wonder kids nowadays go wild when they're in shopping centres or general public places. all the stress and work from parents and school and no outlet!!!! they're kids!! they need to play, it's what they do best. i even have calls to tuition PRE-SCHOOL kids. OMFG teach? teach what?!?! how to recite the alphabet?!?! what is wrong with parents?

my bro had gotten his hands on a stack of dvds and the initial d anime. watched sky high which is pretty damn funny and tacky, but funny. am now in the process of watching initial d. it's werid cause the normal parts are 2D anime but when the cars are racing, the cars become 3D. so it's like 3D cars against a 2D backdrop. x) well, watching the anime only futher comfirm my believe that the lead roll was a dream job for jay chou. i swear, the anime guy is as expressionless as the jay in the live action film. which brings me about this peeve i have which i ranted about a few months back. jay had won some really prestigious award for his initial d role and i was like, WHAT ACTING? he didn't have to act! all he had to do was be himself!!!!! of course he seems to be very 'IN-charactor' HE EFFING IS LIKE THE CHARACTOR!! i mean the guy has talent when it comes to music, but honestly, the role he had can't be counted as acting!!!! it's not like i have any problem with pop, cheesy people getting awards, but at the very very least they should have the ability to back it up!! like gillian from the cheesy twins group, she was nominated for best actress for her role in 'beyond our ken'(which i am dying to see). it wasn't like those trashy and cheesy roles she usually acts in with her fellow twin charlene. she was actually credible as an actress in there!! so yeah, she deserved that nomination. urgh.

another peeve of mine is how hollywood and hk are complaining about how piracy and dvds are causing low attendance at the cinema. OMFG!! the actors and directors complain and complain, but what do we see? an EFFING RISING trend in their salaries!!! i heard that tickets to movies are really expensive not only in our little singapore but in the city areas of the states!!! hello!!! unless your movie has some really cool special effects which only works in huge screens, or you have some sort of cult following...most people won't bother to go to the movies when they wait a month or 2 and they can get the vcd/dvd, hell video tape!!!! i mean i don't blame actors, directors and other '-tors' in the industry wanting higher pay. hell yeah, they're schedules are demanding, their work is professional, but instead of having useless advertisments to discourage piracy( which are probably being distributed illegaly over the internet so die hard fans can see their stars for a grand total of 3.6 secs) can't they be more pro active by maybe petitioning for lower cinema rates? things that directly affect the consumers. ARRGH.

*deep breath* i guess i've ranted enough for today. wee.

jurong point is such a bitch. i can use my wiresless perfectly here at wheelock and chinatown point but not at jp. coffee bean is not at fault. jp is. bitch. meeh.

i'm waiting for yijia to magically appear and supposed to think about how to answer the uni applicatin questions. BUT I CAN'T DO IT. everytime i start thinking, i end up thinking about all the things i'm NOT. i feel so god damned medicore. MEDICORE!!!!!! it's depressing i tell you. i feel so...unspecial. urgh.

had my third driving lesson today, i didn't get the gay instructor yijia suffered!! hahahas! neeways, halfway through the lesson it started raining can?!?! i was so freaked out at first!! OMG!! hd to go slower ad stuff. so much things to remember and do just to turn like some dumbass bend. i am such a bad driver. today's lesson was more about breaking, so my right foot is like kinda stiff. focused too much on my foot and had a sort of tunnel vision, hahas, forgot everything else. probably gave my instructor a few heart attacks, but otherwise it was fine. x)

now where is that yijia? she's LATE. meeh.

i feel like an effing refugee. not only am i living out of boxes, i dont even have a bed now. luckily its just for one night. there is not a single piece of furniture in my room right now. it's so werid looking at my room like that. hahs. i even have an echo in my room. x)

today's driving lesson was on the road. woah, i promise to avoid jay walking as much as possible now that i know the kind of stress drivers face when driving. but it was really cool! oh and my instructor found me weird cause the hard turns i pull of effortlessly and the easy turns i have much difficulty. i always knew i was different, just not this different. hahs.

urgh. i am beat. been out the whole day, the highlight was of course meeting up with og16 and yeoserenexz. wish i had the luxary to meet up with everyone on diff days and just spend lazy hours hanging and doing just about nothing. all well, everyone has busy schedules. and this week for me has been CRAZY and getting even more so tmr and sat.

meeting up with og16 was great. wilson and kevin are still just as irritating, frustrating. shiling's hair is still pretty short. hanqun is very very dark. karen is still in love with that 5566 guy. and susanna is still...well, susanna. x) took neoprints with them and susanna aptly described the experience as an "adventure!!!" hahas. the decorations made the guys appear very gay tho. kudos to karen. x)

together with yeo and serene we made a big fuss of xz developing arm muscles (he never had!!!) and he promtly turned red and pulled his sleeve down. hahahas. so cute. it's great having friends like these with which you could talk about anything and everything or just don't talk at all.

alright, things are gonna go crazy as i have to move out my old furniture and wait for my new set AND i have my second driving tmr. i hope i don't meet yijia's gay instructor! yeep!

i totally love my life right now. do abit of tuitioning, go for driving lessons, chill and shop around. OMG my life is so LAZY!!! and yet i feel my life is so fulfilled. weee. and i spend alot of time with yijia doing just about..nothing. HAHS!

So the simpsons are making their way to dubai this year. Hahs. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for simpsons going anywhere they damn well please. But in order to be shown in dubai, all scenes with homer drinking beer has to be cut off. Good luck to them. Homer drinks/thinks about drinking beer like 80% of the time on the show!!!
And what’s homer without duff? Homer and duff are one and the same. And if there’s no beer, then will moe even appear? He’s a bartender for god’s sake. And moe is sometimes a pivotal role in the show. Simpsons will never be the same.

anyway, my wireless was being a bitch today. couldn't get the dumbass login page at jp's coffee bean. WTF? i just used it at chinatown's coffee bean yesterday!!! what a bitch. and although the starhub guy i called was nice and polite unlike the previous one...he's totally useless!! OMG.

this is so frustrating.

tmr i'm gonna have a mini og gathering with my og16!! yay yay yay!!! so happy! it's been a long time since i saw them. anyways, i was drinking coke light when calling them so i was like rather high. wahahaha. spoke really fast too...wonder if they got the msg right? hahahahas. anyway, right after that i'm meeting, yeo serene and xz! xz!!! totally haven't seen him in....like ages. hahas. and now we owe him 2 years worth of presents. x) ohno! hahhaas.

i am like so high. yes yijia, it's your fault.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS. the IT-dunce that i am has figured out how to use wireless internet in coffee bean!!!!!!!! woohoooooo! now if only i can find a coffee bean with a powerpoint. i'll stay there the whole damn day man!!!!!!!! wooooooooo!!

okay, sophia's coming over right now!! yay! it's been a long time since i've seen her!!!! haahahahas.

jia, tmr we are gonna haaaaaaaaaang!!!

ATTACK OF THE DUST BUNNIES!!!!

i'm litteraly living out of boxes. my new furniture is coming this sat, so today and the next few days will be spent transfering all of my belongings to my bro's room in boxes. stuff that i need immediatly are just placed in 2 boxes sitting on my desk. so...lipgloss? box2. cds? box1. watch? box1. nail polish? box2...ect. it's not inconvenient..just unusal. hahs.

anyways, while clearing out my closet i realised i have waaaaaaay too many useless stuff lying around. it's crazy!!!! i had no idea i had THAT much stuff. unbelivable actually. espcailly toys. like stuff toys. OMG. it's mind-boggling. i mean, i knew i had a..a collection of stuff toys due to the tendencies of sec sch mates to shower me with them on my birthday....but still. the sheer amount is ridiculous!! so i kept only a few really sentimental ones and one or two my mother deemed too expensive to throw away( "SIXTY BUCKS!! YOU ARE KEEEEEEEEEEEPING THAAT!!!!" ). and barbie dolls. being the only girl meant i wasn't kept wanting in the barbie doll section. i have like 17 barbies, 1 pocahauntas(sp?), 3 kellys, 1 ken and 1 kid boy(forgot the name). i'm only keeping one tho. cause it's pretty and it's dress is all flowery. hahas. the rest i'm giving to the salvation army.

at first i felt bad. it seemed like i was treating the salvation army as a rubbish dump for things i dont want. but really, if my only choice was to throw away all my toys, i'll keep them. they really do mean something to me, no matter how small. cause i can recall, that back then, if only for a few days, every particular toy was my security blanket which never left my side...till the next one came. but just like how a first love will forever have a soft spot in your heart, i've a soft spot for all my toys. ^^ And now i've got a chance to give them away so other kids can develop soft spots for these toys. besides, i keep my toys in good condition. a tad dusty, but not ragged. heads and limbs of all barbies are accounted, only their hair slightly mutilated x). i love my toys. i hope they don't end up with some spoilt kid with pink heellies.

i just finished watching "the object of my affections", jennifer aniston and paul rudd. it was really nice...and sad and nice...and all together a feel-good movie. kinda expected she'd end up with the cop. but still. totally enjoyed watching it.

this is like movie day. wee.

sudden waves of isolation and insercurity engulf me every now and then. is there a pill to get rid of such outbreaks? really quickly. like extra-strength panadol for the inner you. i wonder.

"It's about choosing one person and making it work."

i just spent the afternoon watching Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure II on Starmovies. the show is real dumb, stupid, ridiculous and oh so entertaining.

watch it when you have a few hours to kill. quite worth the time.
x)

okay, i had my first driving practical lesson today. felt totally lost and confused. OMG! it was so unnerving!!!! hahahas, my instuctor for the day was at first kinda silent and when he spoke to me, it was more of him mumbling to himself. i would have had the urge to scratch his eyes out if it wasn't for the fact i was too freaked out and lost, and only capable of squeaking a few "un-huh"s and nodding my head. neeways, the awkwardness passed and i began to enjoy my lesson a whole lot more. well...kinda enjoy it. i didn't think i would be driving on the first lesson but i did. the first time i was like "OMG THE CAR IS MOVING....IT'S EFFING MOOOVING!! AHHHHH!! I'M GONNA DIEEEEEEEEEE" . this internal screaming didn't wear off, if anything it got louder when i drove around the circuit at every bend. but i got used to it. pretty exciting and fun. hahahas. oh my instructor said i was better than expected. x) hahahahas. am so totally geared up(pun unintended) for my next lesson.

after that i took 187 to woodlands to visit shuxian. the damn bus was so disgusting can?!?!? there were flies and fucking ROACHES running about the seats. yuck. eww. ewwwwwwwwwww.

neeways the church was undergoing some building/renovation so the usual way to the columbarium was blocked. i can't really describe the emotions that ran through me when i thought of not being able to see shuxian again. it was kind of like a mixture of fear, sadness and lost. but mostly fear.

i didn't expect that.

there was a time when i did not want to go visit either of them. it felt too final. i'm not sure. all i know is i dreaded going there. in fact i only visited shuxian twice a year out of i must admit shamefully, obligation. i hated going there. only around mid last year did i form this habit of visitng shuxian more often. mostly on the spur of the moment and always by myself. and always after each visit, i feel so much better. kind of...refreshed?

well, most of the people reading my blog wont get what i'm trying to say.

happy birthday shuxian. may you have finally found the peace you so deeply craved.

I want to run in the rain,
stamp on puddles,
laugh spontaneously without caring.
Run across a field till,
I get breathless.

There better be wind.

I want to fly a kite.
See it rise above others,
and soar to the sky.
Make me sqint at the sun,
cringe my dead eyes.

I want to be with you.
Wear flipflops, a big tee,
carry a hugable messenger bag.
Listen to music,
as we free our mind.
Let our imagination fly.
and speak heart to heart.

I want to be by the sea,
looking far out into the horizon,
when the sky meets the sea.
Knowing this turbulant lady could engulf us,
and relief us the pain of living?

If you didn't die, would things have turned out this way?

I've ask myself, with the great friends I have now, would I have them not if you did not pass? Would we have remaind friends?

The answers are disturbing.

So I dwell on what we had. I do not wish to tarnish the memory I have of you.

It is the basis of my sanity. To know that I am someone who can be appreciated. To know that if there is a God, he hasn't forsaken me. To know I am capable of having friends who truely care about me.

You don't know how much your friendship meant to me. It meant a lot, a whole lot more than anyone thinks.

Not to diminish the importance of my other friendships. but yours alone outweighs them with such greatness....the lost of you numbed me.

You were flawed with imperfections. but you matter so much to me. I'm sorry I never told you that.

we could sit anywhere without a penny in our pockets and still have the time of our lives

I'm not sure what made me think about this, way back in Sec1 or 2(I can't even remember) for Lit class we had to buy this really expensive poetry book which was barely used. What I do remember is one line from a poem:

"The nun wonders what it's like to buy dinner for 2."

I thought it was really sad. Anyway, when i was really young I thought nuns and monks got married to each other.

Anyway after FINALLY getting our PDLs, me and jia trotted down to chinatown. OMG!! we just fell in love with everything. On Sunday after going to NUS we're gonna head back down to chinatown with money and just spend like crazy. There's soooo many things I wanna put my hands on! We even found some wedges which are not impossibly high!! And there's this really cool shop which sells it's merchentdise at dirt cheap prices. I am so falling in love with chinatown again. x)

Urgh. Tomorrow is gonna be my first practical driving lessons. I am so gonna freak out and my instructor is gonna walk out of the lesson deaf. =x I am so nervous. Ahhhh...

oh yeah, new skin. i like the 'in your face' feeling it gives. hehs.

still in semi-hibernation mode.

so the pass few days have been spent pondering and looking around the uni wedsites and handbooks. even went to the career fair only to be met with an alarming amout of information and an offer to 'share with me the career prospects on insurence'. i've pretty much settled my decisions. kudos to jia, my dad and the ever blur ms peh x)

ms peh's real nice, she was about to call me cause she was really worried about me. but i called her first for some advice.

what i realised from my conversation with her is well.....i've been thinking that i've come to terms with my results. appearantly not. my voice cracked talking to her about my disappointment. i didn't end up sobbing over the phone...it's just weird how i'm pretty much alright. i don't hole myself up in my room sobbing my eyes out. i don't spend hours on end sulking and thinking of 'what if's. life for me pretty much goes on. but when i spoke to ms peh, it was just overwhelming. it's weird. but yijia says it happens.

and a hug goes to the other jia, shijia, for her support. =)

i'm just proud of the way i'm coping with it. not sitting around wallowing in self pity, but being more pro-active and expanding my options.

the world doesn't stop spinning ya know.

so i watched 'a wicked tale' and ' e'Tzaintes ' both amateur low-budget films by Tzang Merwyn Tong. this guy is seriously screwed. and that's a complement. it's creepy, raw, sometimes cheesy and downright screwed. it's bloody addictive. i like them. definitly not for you mh, but i do recomend you watch it.

in fact everybody should watch it, unless you don't have intellect, like people who do not know what intellect means.

i'm in hibernation.

so my results were...not terrible, but definatly not good. can say it's like damn average. C for every subject. yes i was damn crushed. it felt terrible and all i wanted to do was cry. my only saving grace was gp, i got a B3.

i'm not ashamed of my results, i do believe i got what i deserved. although i'm very disappointed with my bio and especailly my math, i do feel i could have done better had i study..well not harder...but smarter. but it's over. the main thing to focus now is getting into a uni. mh, jia and my dad agree that i still have a chance with NUS's arts and social science because of my gp results. i'm just gonna try everything. a last resort would be an overseas education.

it's not the end of the world for me.

but still, i'm in hibernation. i'm not ashamed of my results, but i'm just not ready to face people. i know alot of my friends out there are worried for me cause i still haven't contacted you guys. but i'm fine really. sad? yes. disappointed? yes. but i'm fine. i just can't cope with that kind of 'pity faces' from people when i tell them my results. i'm just not ready. i need little more time to get over my results, sulk and just wallow in self-pity. thanks for your concern guys.

a special thank you to jia and mh for being there when i needed you the most. esp to jia for taking a cab to my sch when i asked even if you did get lost on the way. =) love you guys.

so i'm off back into hibernation, wont be blogging much...see ya.

today, or rather yesterday i had the most ridicuous outing with fidz and elaine. we met up to give fidz a farewell cause this kid's gonna go to london on fri and wont be back for 6weeks!!
panic attack
We'll totally miss you kid!!!!! have a safe trip and don't forget our gifts!!! x)
panic attack
anyway, we walked around marina, watched pink pantha which was so WTF and funny. everyone in the theater was laughing thier asses off. then we went to the esplanade and took pictures and pointless videos. we are abusing bluetooth like there's no tmr. hahas.
panic attack
oh, the 7/11 at citylink CLOSES. wtf? arn't they supposed to be like 24/7? it's not like citylink closes or anything....and it was only 1030 when we went there to satisfy fidz's chocolate cravings.... weird.

PANIC ATTACK.
so the whole day i had been having sudden burst of panic of my results. i'm gonna be honest and say i'm terrified.

people have been telling me that what's done is done, you can't do anything now. and don't worry you'll do fine...all sorts of consolation. but i can't help it. even tho mh says i studied hard and plenty with her, there's this little voice in my head claiming i didn't do enough. i didn't study enough. i wasn't well prepared. and that when i get my results i'll burst into tears. not of joy, if only. it's this little nagging feeling. pure torture.

all my life, the goal was NUS. but now, more than ever, that goal seems so far out of reach. there are so many other options. my dad has been pressuring me to look at other options because of my utter lack in confidence in my results. but honestly, i can't weigh any other options till i know the one i've been working for all my short life is gone.

i've never felt so unconfident with myself. it's both scary and reflecting. it makes me feel lost and utterly helpless. i keep picturing myself getting results of the worst senario. it makes my heart skip a beat.

i dont think i'll be sleeping tonight.