Do you know what is awkward?

Awkward is when I’m not sure how to rsvp to an event that may, possibly be important for me to attend. That of which I have no idea. That of which maybe no other head will turn up, or all will and I am not. I have no idea. Awkward is needing to give a speech about TP to potential SOs when I haven’t even been here for a month so I don’t really have a clue as to what I am saying. Awkward is having to supervise and monitor things which I do not even compute. Awkward is not having anyone to talk to or lunch with because everyone is either too old or too young. Awkward is when you are standing there all awkward, you make others awkward around you as well.




Awkward is everything I am now.

O-Lu.

I have to admit, I like being an OL. I like the mundane of it all, the routine and the stability of it all. I even like the rush hour panic, the clacking of heels, the impatient waiting at doors. I like having an aim, being occupied, being needed. I like my 9-5 desk job, even if it's more like 830-6 (and in the future probably more). I like the rushing to meet friends for dinner, to feel old and sleepy at 10pm, I like this all. I like the stiff uncomfortable clothing I have to wear, the prim and properness of it all. I like wearing heels and hearing my own clacking noise. I even like the occasional bouts of loneliness in my cubicle, the awkwardness of it all. I like the bitching about work, I like the looking forward to weekends.

I like the normalcy of it all. I don't need an exciting interesting life. I just need this one, with my friends and family by my side. :)

I would just like to point out.

That I've accepted that my job is going to be challenging, and I am not backing down from this challenge.

The people are nice and rather friendly even though it's still all awkward. (My NSF actually spoke to me today)

I have a thousand and one things to do, but they are all interesting thousand and one things.

But sometimes, I just feel so damn lonely.

Can I really do this?

I've been asking myself this question so much these past three days. Day three into the job and I realize how demanding this job actually is. My upper study is so capable and good at his job, I'm so afraid I'll just screw everything up.

It's not just getting used to acronyms and how the police force works. It's not just reading the multitude of instruction manuals and standard operation procedures. It's not just interacting with people.

It's my first job. I have no experience whatsoever. How to write the proper emails, to whom, who else must I cc? Basic company culture, work ethics how they function, I have no experience in all this. You can't get any fresher than this.

And yet, I have a post where I am in charge of so many things. I don't need a boss to hold my hand and spoon feed me, but I really don't think I'm ready or in a position to hold other people's hands and spoon feed them. I sincerely feel like I bit off more than I can chew this time. The entire job just seems so daunting.

So I'm thankful for many things. Like how my 'assistants' are always willing to teach me. How everyone is so kind. How my dy commander likes me and really understands how fresh and inexperienced I am (he was the one after all, that decided on my appointment). How my upper study isn't leaving till October.

So my learning curve is now a vertical, but I've really found a job that needs me.

I CAN DO THIS x10000000000000000000

I am completely terrified of my commander now though, from all the stories I have heard.

Oh, the irony.

I've just realized, for six years in my life, i.e. primary school, the one word which I had difficulty pronouncing every morning when we recited the pledge was the word 'democratic'.

And now look at what I obtained a university degree in.

And this is what it means to be alive.

RAG'10

Even now I ponder on my commitment and attachment to a project I find so many problems with. But last night, even though I was hungry and thirsty and so sleep deprived, it was such a superb night.

The music, the colours, the dances, the cheering, the emotions and lastly the celebrations. It felt so good, it made me want to be a student again. To be young and careless, where you give in your all, grumble about doing so, but still give more than you originally planned to anyway.

When I close my eyes, I can still hear the music.

story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

What's it like to dream, to have dreams?

What do I want?

out of life.

I like to think I can be anything I want to be, when I want to be. And actually it's okay to miss a few things, because there are a billion other things for me to do. And it's okay to think I have time to waste and that I will be young forever. It's okay that ten years down I'll wonder why I never did this and that, because ten years down I would have done some other thing anyway. I guess for me right now, live like there's always a tomorrow so do what you want today. Everyday's a different day, but that's okay too.

It's okay, and if it's not, it will be.