This is mortality.

Today I visited an officer given about one month to live. She has stage 4 terminal breast cancer.

She has a freaking memo from the doctor stating she has a few weeks to a month to live.

And she's all ready. She has settled all her bills, she's bought her place in the crematorium. The only thing she hasn't settled was the very thing I had to go and talk to her about. And there I was in her face reminding her of her mortality.

She was so brave, smiling and going on, serving me water being so frank and open. She has wonderful friends around her. Being next to her, helping her in these final days. It's from here I can see what a wonderful person she must have been, still is, to have made such strong friends. I can only hope to develop relationships as precious and as meaningful as her.

And at the end of it all she thanked me.

I miss London.

Been crazy watching Doctor Who again. Haven't gone on to Matt Smith yet, still watching the David Tennant ones. OMG I am totally shipping Ten/Rose. And I don't actually find Rose that attractive. Still she's a lot prettier than River Song. OMG I wish they got someone prettier for it. I mean the actress is pretty awesome and her character is awesome, I just wished it was someone younger looking and looked less like Miss Frizzle. It would lessen the pain of not having Ten/Rose. Oh well.

Started watching Doctor Who back in the UK, I miss life there so so much. Or maybe I just missed living alone.

I just want to be loved.

It isn't the same anymore, and it will never be as before.

Maybe eventually I'll let go and it won't hurt.

"But there’s always going to be people like that in life; people you’re terribly sensitive to. Your own emotions count for nothing as long as they’re smiling and you hate yourself for it, hate yourself for thinking that every single gesture and word from that person matter more than you, but there’s nothing you can do about it except drink yourself into oblivion. Then you wake up the next morning –wishing your head will fall off by itself– only to find that the sun’s still up and the cycle repeats. That, is not very fun. "