okay, i had my first driving practical lesson today. felt totally lost and confused. OMG! it was so unnerving!!!! hahahas, my instuctor for the day was at first kinda silent and when he spoke to me, it was more of him mumbling to himself. i would have had the urge to scratch his eyes out if it wasn't for the fact i was too freaked out and lost, and only capable of squeaking a few "un-huh"s and nodding my head. neeways, the awkwardness passed and i began to enjoy my lesson a whole lot more. well...kinda enjoy it. i didn't think i would be driving on the first lesson but i did. the first time i was like "OMG THE CAR IS MOVING....IT'S EFFING MOOOVING!! AHHHHH!! I'M GONNA DIEEEEEEEEEE" . this internal screaming didn't wear off, if anything it got louder when i drove around the circuit at every bend. but i got used to it. pretty exciting and fun. hahahas. oh my instructor said i was better than expected. x) hahahahas. am so totally geared up(pun unintended) for my next lesson.

after that i took 187 to woodlands to visit shuxian. the damn bus was so disgusting can?!?!? there were flies and fucking ROACHES running about the seats. yuck. eww. ewwwwwwwwwww.

neeways the church was undergoing some building/renovation so the usual way to the columbarium was blocked. i can't really describe the emotions that ran through me when i thought of not being able to see shuxian again. it was kind of like a mixture of fear, sadness and lost. but mostly fear.

i didn't expect that.

there was a time when i did not want to go visit either of them. it felt too final. i'm not sure. all i know is i dreaded going there. in fact i only visited shuxian twice a year out of i must admit shamefully, obligation. i hated going there. only around mid last year did i form this habit of visitng shuxian more often. mostly on the spur of the moment and always by myself. and always after each visit, i feel so much better. kind of...refreshed?

well, most of the people reading my blog wont get what i'm trying to say.

happy birthday shuxian. may you have finally found the peace you so deeply craved.