why do i take failure so badly?

because the saying, "the higher you climb, the harder you fall." is pretty damn true.

it's worse when you never had to climb. all my life, i was the smarter one. the one who didn't study and still had better grades. the one who played her whole life and never really had any setbacks. the one where things came to her in maybe not a silver spoon, but it wasn't wooden either.

so the expectation builds. it builds and builds, so high up there. one day you just realise, it's just too high. you can never reach it. and i'm not talking about the expectations of others, of parents or relatives, but of my own. i placed myself on a pedestal. but it's just a cloud of empty air.

so when everything crashes and i sit there in the wreckage. i'm dazed and clinging to anything. anything to keep from drowning in my own disappointment.

it's a rude shock and a sharp stab to my pride.

i'm arrogant. i just no longer have anything to give me that right.

so now i have to grovel. and i hate it. but it's what i have.

all i ask is to let me lick my wounds in peace.

if you're not going to help me, at least let me be. there's only so much i can take.

i'm grovelling.