And it all comes crashing down.

Spent the afternoon packing up my closet. Cause it was so ridiculously full that it was getting ridiculously hard to reach clothing I want to wear. But don't get me wrong, it's not that I have too many clothes, more like too many CCA/class/camp/FASS tees. Damnit, could have been much richer if over the years I didn't spent so much money buying them. But, even now when I have no use for them, I keep them nicely folded, stacked in their own corner of my closet because I just cannot bring myself to throw them away. No matter how detached I get, they will always mean something very special to me. :)

My emotions have been out of control recently. I go from sudden highs to bouts of depression that reminds me of the time in secondary school. I can hear my favourite song come up on the radio and get immensely happy, but it can all come crashing down in seconds. This has however made me realized the ease at which we can actually be happy if we focus on the good and block out the depressing. Unfortunately for me, while recently I get natural highs quite a bit, my own mind makes me so upset, to the point I'm starting to think the certain thoughts too much and of a certain dearly missed friend.

Mostly I think, its because I'm feeling so lonely. When I'm with friends I'm happy and cheerful and smiling isn't hard. I feel like I belong. But more often than not I find myself realizing I don't mean much, or enough, to anyone at all. Unconditional love and giving my ass. I'm kind of tired of not having anyone to depend on and not having anyone depend on me. Yet the thought of opening up everything about myself to someone is is highly disturbing to me. I am a selfish attention seeking whore, I don't think I'll ever love someone back if the person doesn't love me more.

I'm not even talking about wanting a romantic relationship though. It's just I'm feel so lonely sometimes.

I just wish that there is someone, anyone, who cared.

And of course this brings me to wonder why one earth would anyone bother to care? If for 23 years no one has, clearly the problem is myself. I'm demanding bitchy, unconsciously rude. Sometimes I can be so unaware I offend people without realizing it. It's not like I can't sense it when it becomes obvious people are avoiding me and it's not like I'm not continuously trying to change and improve myself. But it seems like I am so flawed, or so bad at improving that I am the same hard to like person I was ten years back. It's not like I don't try. But much too often, effort is pointless without the obvious results to back them up.

Sometimes I just tell myself, fuck it evelyn, you're going to die a crazy cat lady with no friends, no family, only just a pet cat whom you have an en-strangled relationship with. Accept and deal.

And now, in the spirit of being absolutely depressed, yet having a natural high, here are some songs that put a smile on my face no matter what I was feeling 5 seconds ago.

Today is my mother's birthday! Birthday dinner in a while!