It has been a long time since I've really felt this way

or the feeling was just creeping up all this while.


I'm not happy.

Most Girls

Spent a good portion of my life not liking myself, thinking if I were someone else I would be happier.

No, I'm just like most girls.

家

Today the word took on a new meaning. It was strange and uncomfortable but I think we took in on like a typical Singapore Chinese family. Silently and with acceptance.

As we await the new arrival, I look forward to the kind of changes it will bring to this family. Because I know I won't do it, so let's do it for someone else.

Grieving is personal

and it never stops.

Goodbye my almost.

Loosing someone to suicide will always hit me hard.

The ones who are left behind can only take comfort that it has released you from all the pain. That you are at peace, that it doesn't hurt anymore.





I am always always missing you my dear friend.

Hope you have room

of all things, a song from a Norwegian teen drama, Skam, is giving me all the feels.

I hope you have room, I hope you have room
I come all alone and without any load
You can tell me when I have to straighten up and put me in place
If you find a window for me

Demon at the doorstep

Some demons from years passed are creeping into my conscious. I do not know why, only that they are back with a vengeance.

I only hope I have the strength to keep them at bay, or maybe not at all and end it once and for all.

Ghost of my imagination

sometimes, your face just appears before me. recently you're always laughing.

that same sheepish laughter when we spent our long mrt/bus rides home. that twinkle in your eye. I don't remember our conversations anymore, but I remember always being comforted by them, knowing someone has a similar thought process. I am grateful for that short one and half years.

sometimes my heart aches, but mostly i'm filled with bittersweet warmth. as I add another year I think of how you're still 14, but I like to think of how you've grown with me.


and some things don't change, even if everything else does.

Mourn what could have been

It's so upsetting, for life with so much potential, to be robbed off so easily.

I've followed her since she was so young, and she's not much older now. But she's gone.

#RIPChristinaGrimmie you've gone home.

uber me home please

Today after lunch it was pretty much all downhill for me at work. Frustrated till a point I think my supervisor could tell. I did blow up slightly at myself in front of her.

Then on the way home I realise I left my wallet in office. Decided to uber my way home cause there wasn't even a need for credit card. But after driving around the entire Novena area, still could not get to Novena Square, I canceled on the driver.

But the second driver i managed to get. This charming retired malay uncle. Firstly, he literally lives in the block next to me, plus point and put us both in a very good mood. I did not need to teach him how to get to my house and he could go home after dropping me off. We had a good chat on the way back. I hate chatty cabbies case they are usually angry about something and will literally rant their entire way. But so far both my uber experience, the drivers are super fun to chat with. They aren't angry and tell cute stories about their lives, about how uber has helped them. Just really chill, and I can totally relax just listening to them.


So my day ended on a happy note. :)

Day 3 of Tattoo.

Day 3 and my parent's haven't noticed the cat sitting permanently on my ankle. I haven't been really hiding it so I'm ind of nervous of their reaction when they see it and realise what it is.


whoops.

Bigger person

Increasingly I find myself telling myself to be the bigger person. To not get jealous and to not think badly of others. But sometimes it's so hard and the I wonder if its worth it.

I tell myself I can always choose to be happy, but am I being blind and not protecting myself?


At the end of the day I am happier not caring, I am definitely not the kind to mull and wallow in unhappiness. My personality simply doesn't allow this. But I can help being extra sensitive and annoyed by myself.

Be happy with what I have, because for some reason, others who have it better than me are seemingly less happy than me.


Then again, it's from my point of view that they have it better. Perhaps to them, they have it worst.

I will probably never know and there is no point angst-ing over things I will never know, cannot change.

Let's focus on what I can change, can do.

Moving on.

There's no need to explain, to give excuses, to make apologies.


This is us moving on, like how they would have wanted.







I think.

I'd like to believe.

Me time

This entire weekend was mostly me time. Aside from spending few choice meal with my family. I really needed it, to not listen to anyone. To do what I need/want/should do. It was really a chance for myself to catch up with me.

The next few weeks are going to get challenging at work. And it's uphill all the way till June.

/GAME FACE ON.

and so?

The next time someone comments that the Korean boybands I like look like girls/look gay, I'm just going to say,

"And so? What's wrong with looking like girls/being gay?"

and then watch as they internally crumble as they wonder if I'm gay and try to be politically correct and hide their homophobic thoughts.



I'm not sexually attracted to girls, but if this is all you're taking away from this post that you have completely missed the point.

舅父, 再见了。

Can't deny she has a great voice, was a large part of my secondary school years.

The video however...

The internet woke me up to misogyny and misogyny so deeply rooted that people can't see it. And now I can't unsee, refuse to not see. I'm angry and upset a lot more, but I don't regret it.

The Little Prince

I wish I could understand French...

The animation seems gorgeous and I'm glad they aren't making it totally about the book. We can live through the eyes of the little girl and how the book is meant to be read. So many things, we as adults can gather from the book, but it was written for children and I look forward to enjoying it through the eyes of a child.

Being nasty

Today during dinner I was rude and sullen and they probably left the table thinking I was a horrible person. But to be honest, the alternative to me being rude was me being honest and nasty. So many nasty things I wanted to say. That I could (should) have say.

But I held it in, I'm not sure why.

Why do I care about certain things? When I don't need to.



I won't be here when you need me to.

What's important is you here me now.

Family went through a tough time recently. I'm just glad it's over and honestly I don't give my mother enough credit for being strong. She annoys the hell out of me sometimes but I know her weather-beaten hands went through a lot for me to be who I am today.

On a happier note, went for an impromptu kboxing session with ML and C yesterday. Have forgotten how fun it can be going for it with them. Absolutely hilarious. Also freaking obvious we are children of the 90s and early 2000s. We knew all the lyrics to the songs from boybands.

I'm grateful for what I have here and now. Things can be a lot better and also a lot worse. I have to remember as I strive to be better, to not forget, I don't have it bad. In fact far from it, but yes, I can make it better.